Thursday, April 26, 2007

1.9.0.0.-T.A.L.K.

"HELLO, XXXY..."

[Provocative giggle] "Thank you for calling 1900-TALK. Mmm. "

[Thick male voice] "1900-TALK is known universally for its 97% success rate with a guarantee of permanent, lifetime conjugal contentment.

You must be (exactly) 18 to call this number. If you are under 18 we will be legally responsible to marry you off to a Meislish rebbisheh einikle.

[Male Voice, very-very quickly]

In the event you have not intended to contact 1900-TALK, or have not dialed this incomplete number, please continue to hold the line.

There will be a brief silence for the next 60 seconds. Please stand still while one of our representatives stares at you to evaluate you. 1900-TALK reserves the right to ask you to turn sideways, the other way, around, look away, hold your arms up, show your hair, smile, move, walk, turn again, converse with a friend, tell you to act natural, stand on your head, yawn, fix yourself, fake laugh, blush, die, revive, thank you for your cooperation. Section 246-D, NYS Havah Nivalilah. See our website for further details.


[Smokey, provocative female voice resumes]

Our automated prompts have recently been updated to enhance the personalized search query. Please listen carefully prior to entering your selection.

1 –Enter your two digit weight and 5.8 height followed by the pound key. Your profile will be processed after a complete stranger says it's not true. If you do not fit those bodily digits please leave a message in our voicemail box explaining what you were thinking.

2 – Press two and deposit: “ninety nine dollars, and ninety nine cents” for each of the following minutes. You will hear several clicks while our system retrieves a gelt shidduch. Our Gelt Shidduk Platinum Option is packaged with a state-of-the-art ceremony, knakadigeh match, 9 generations lifetime kollel learning, shpitzle headgear, 500,000 dollar home and many more including our bonus feature of a groom or bride.
[quickly] Only eligible millionaires can benefit from the supreme love criteria.

3 – If you are from a broken home, por favor marka numar usinta and a sfardisha meidle will come on the line to marriage you, mucha gracias.

4 – If you are over 21 please continue to hold. Case personnel will be with you shortly. The estimated wait time is: “one thousand years, and one Tuesday, and fifty six minutes”. Calls are answered in the order that they have been received. If at any time your call is ‘skipped’ please hang up and give up.

5 – If you are a nebuch a divorce’ or if you are leider a bum, please marry each other.

6 - If you know your party’s extension, due to a previous beshow encounter, and would like to request an additional encounter, dial delete+delete for reputation and prospect removal. 1900-Talk takes enormous pride in offering love at first sight - only.


7 – Hey girls, got the looks? Are you a roytah maude, a red head? Congratulations. You can put on a wig already.



8- If you or your family has any history of illness or poor health, for example: grandmother has diabetes, second cousin epilepsy, or you had a nosebleed at age five, please fax medical records of entire family to us and we will hook you up with someone with bipolar disorder .
[Quickly] This crucial new feature is to credit the laboring of The Honorable KJ Rebbetzin.

9 – To cancel your order, please change your levish. Shidduch will be obliterated automatically. Otherwise, order will be shipped, wedded, charged, implemented and will produce off springs. No amount of hitting all keypad numbers angrily will change that. Ha-ha-ha. Please try me. There you go. Engagement still on. Ouch, not there, it hurts. Please review your hashkafa before blaming it on us. Okay – okay, you’re breaking the phone. I think she’s crazy. She’s crazy. Co su t yo r l cal rab … It s n t gon w rk… top it!
o der sta us – a tive! !

That’s true love children. Thank you for calling 1900-Talk.


26 comments:

Sam said...

Dream on, Shpitzel, if only it were true, I would be the first to get my kids to use it.

nuch a chosid said...

For more details about this great new invention to help the "Shiduch Crisis" that is plaguing the heimishe frum crowds, look out for the upcoming additions of

- Binah
- Mishapacha
- Tzeitshrift

They'll each feature in depth article on this latest "shiduchim" help hot line, with full behind the scene interviews photos, and commentaries

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

SAM - Who doesn't? I got married through this system. This is how chassidim do it, honey, this is how we do it.

Nuch a Chosid - What about the Maalos? :(

Really, where in the world do you see a shidduch crisis? I mean, the goyishe world, they're divorcing and fighting with boyfriends. But we, 97% success!

Ahh! S'zis git tsi zeyn a yid...

nuch a chosid said...

Your system was not approved to be frum enough for the maalos.

Not 'holy' enuff.

Divorce rate is low, that has nothing to do with shiduchim crisis, there is in fact a huge crisis in shiduchum.

there are numerous boys and girls, who missed the boat of prime time shiduch-material, and are desperately waiting for their basherte prince charming to come riding on a horse and pick them up.

their parents are crying their eyes out waiting for a yeshuah.

There is'nt a actually many shadchonim out there, and mostly try to catch some big fish, rich people or rebbes where they make an easier buck, why bother with selling left-overs or 2'nd hands.

It is a crisis!!!! thats has yet to be addressed by the leading askonim and rabboninm

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Nuch, I was just kidding about not being a crisis. I think the problem is a lot deeper, and I thought I was obviously reflecting on the hypocricy in this post.

Jewish mom with career said...

You never fail to make me laugh... only I can't roll on the floor with laughter, because my daughter is trying to (hopelessly) fall asleep...

Being of exactly the same, or scarily similar background as you seem to be, or so I think after reading all your posts, end to end -the comments too... I can very much relate to everything you are saying. And I understand why allot of the critical bloggers have a problem with some of your opinions or hashkofas, as I had a much more open minded upbringing, and that helps me to be able to understand both sides of the coin. Happens to be, I also wear a Shpitzel.

So to comment on this post, our shidduch system has allot of problems, serious problems imho. But I don't think it affects the end result as drastically as one would be inclined to think. I think the bigger problem lies in the way the chuson and kallah are being educated once they are already engaged. That needs fixing, big time fixing. That, and parents need to understand that they don't own their children; they are not property to be traded. They are given to us as helpless infants so we should raise them and teach them what it means to be an oivad hashem. After that, our tafkid as parents end. period. When looking for a shiduch, the child’s best interest has to be foremost and forefront. Unfortunately, few parents really know what it means to be oivad Hashem vs. oivad haneighbor and THAT is causing lots of trouble...

So until then, please keep on blogging, I love and thoroughly enjoy every word that you type. Oh, and the comments - fantastic!

kjrebbetzin said...

I think you forgot number 9. If you or your family has any history of illness or poor health, for example: grandmother has diabetes, second cousin epilepsy, or you had a nosebleed at age five, please fax medical records of entire family to us and we will hook you up with someone with bipolar disorder .

frumbabe said...

attention mo's mixed seating at weddings etc. will NOT help .... enough said.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Jewish Mom - Welcome, welcome!
Thanks for the kind words. Always a double pleasure to be joined by someone that's in the same boat. May I ask though, how you can be raised more open-minded considering your profile, especially location? Usually headgear parents get sealed off a bit by the knot in back of the shpitzle. At least that's the general stereotype.

Re: the shidduch issue, I absolutely agree. The parents often don't have the child's best interest in mind initially ,not because they're bad people but because couples are brought together considering many factors other than the two people themselves. Society rules our lives, and they must approve whom we spend sixty years of our lives with. Parents want to do a sheineh shidduch, they want to go in their 'range' and do not really consider enough the child itself. I found out about a living specie called Yoelish the day before he became my groom. No one asked me if I liked him, but that little "nee?" after beshow, where a nod with my head landed me with this lottery. Poor him though, his nod draw a 'head'ache called Shpitzle.

After marriage, children still stick to their parents and don't give the relationship a chance to float off in its own route. Our family dynamics have become very distorted. A mother, to many newlywed veibelech, is more important than the stiff kollel yingerman that eats the beautifully-cut vegetable salad every day. The concept of marriage is a theatrical performance, without the slightest abilitiy to act non-scripted. Relationships are not taught, instead you have savlonas, romance is not taught, instead you have a shvigger down on one knee with a diamond ring, and sex is not taught, instead you have --- well, disaster, at least initially.

For those amongst us that baruch hashem have lovely partners, we think ourselves a bit unauthorized to complain about the system. But really, how do you feel about marrying off your own child to an individual you have no clue about, expecting him/her to fill your child's every dream?

The system worries me.

PS: Toy with this idea: since we're of the same Jewish genre (zee geyt oichet mit a shpitzel - the automated shadchen would say), we might one day do a shidduch with each other. Ha! Oy, I get a kick out of the mystery of anonymity.

KJ Rebbetzin - Ditto! [slowly, yonchi voice] Message Addet. Tank you.

Frumbabe - It seems you're using very few words to say a lot more. Are you suggesting that socializing with the opposite gender is not a better alternative to picking a mate?

sam said...

I know the system well, having used it many times. I just thought how wonderful it would be if there would be a phone line to let the kids do it themselves instead of me making the mess, let them do it alone and take the blame. The bliss of leaving me out of it, just imagine not having going though the weeks soul searching and heartache and fear of doing the wrong thing ,I’m all for labour saving devices even if its no better than the manual method!

The solution to the” shidduch crisis” again lies entirely in your “yaider” theory. In the same way that clothes and behaviour have to match exactly what is standard in the community and people want to conform, many people think that a good shidduch is a form of showing their standing in the community when it can really work the other way round!
Before every Shidduch either my husband or myself say “I could never show my face in the street if I would make a shidduch with X” even though the girl or boy is in every other way suitable. This feeling has to be overcome; the shidduch is for the child, not for the parent. .It is very, very, hard. Especially after crying all night that I don’t want to be meshadech with that woman and I force myself to do it, and then people come to me and say “what a wonderful shidduch, you two machetainstes are so alike!” The interesting thing is that after making the shidduch with X, suddenly X becomes a sheineh mishpocha and “yaider” is meshadech with them! Unfortunately, many parents see no further than the approval of the guests that come to the vort.
A relation of mine took an eidem from abroad, and I asked why she couldn’t find such a shidduch locally, she said because the mother was a Beis Yaakov girl, and not of their Chassidus, and she would never have done that locally, where everybody would know!

frumbabe said...

yes, thats correct. i going down the same path as you and whenever the issue of shiduchim comes up the moderna say that they have it better or easier although in fact they dont they have the dynamic also. just diferent details of ess past nisht

Anonymous said...

Great Post, Unfortunatley very true, major problem that only keeps on getting worse.

gimpel said...

i am curious how shpitzel would know about those 1-900 lines in such detail

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

SAM - This is my biggest nightmare. How do you trust the information you get? How do you judge what your child wants? How do you know if the prospect bride/groom is right for your child?

First – the courage to do a shidduch family members will possibly frown at, is hard. But even when you're ready to make the sacrifices, ignore the 'shtoot', I still wouldn't feel comfortable matching up my child with someone merely by looks and supposed common interests. Compatibility involves so much more.

I know parents that couldn't take themselves to do shidduchim after the marriage of another child fell apart. They felt at fault for all the pain. And they shouldn't – the child should've chosen initially. Still, divorces are not frequent. But does that mean that the system works?

A woman wrote to the 'Maalos' about her marriage. Her husband apparently doesn't talk to her, except technichalities he must say (the house is on fire, or other 'musts' of the sort). The poor woman doesn't consider divorce for a split second. Instead, she's bending two times over to try to make him warm up to her, questioning her own personality, trying to change herself. They have a family but no relationship. I'm sure their parents consider the marriage okay.

It's frightening. Once it's done, it's done for life. There's hardly a way out.

Frumbabe I too hear that all the time. I hear that it's not easier in the Litvish circles where couples date. But finding a partner in life is not supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be a worthwhile effort. Not a few phone calls and 'congratulations' balloons.

Anon - It is a system that has hurt many in its path. But how is it getting worth?

Gimple - You got me. I'm totally bemused. Do you think the shpitzles maybe have telephones in their caves?! Hmm. Good question, Gimple.

Sam said...

Too true, Shiduchim are terrifying. I can only deal with it by cutting myself out of the picture. Firstly, I will never know if my children are really happy with their spouses unless it would come to divorce, chas vesholom. Secondly I don’t know my children well enough to find someone that would suit them, especially my sons who are abroad in yeshiva for three years and I only see them Bein Hazmanim. I tend to therefore look for midos, most important, a happy nature and a compatible good sense of humour.
So far I have only made local shidduchim because I don’t trust myself to understand information given from someone I do not know. Will the headmistress of a school honestly tell me enough about a girl, or a chavriso tell the truth about a bochur? Anyone who relies on that is dumb or lying to themselves.
If I would think that I am responsible of making a decision that will have the biggest effect on my child’s future life, my children would stay unmarried. I do my little bit and I leave the rest to the Riboinoi Shel Oilom. And when even that little bit of responsibility frightens me I tell myself that the alternative method of leaving them to find their own partners has an even lower success rate, although I sincerely wish I could do that.

Anonymous said...

Doesnt look like shpitz will win the JIB.

Hoezentragerin said...

"And when even that little bit of responsibility frightens me I tell myself that the alternative method of leaving them to find their own partners has an even lower success rate"

SAM, what makes you think so?

It's All Good Now said...

And to think that Avraham Avinu was a BT, Yitzchak Avinu had Besu'el and Lavan for a shver and brother-in-law, respectively, and that Yakov had Eysav for a brother!!

frumhouse said...

You are too much!!!! Very entertaining post.

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Very funny not sure what to even comment lol.

David_on_the_Lake said...

LOL

a bittere gelechter

sam said...

HT, I think they're better off with parents making the shidduch from the figures of the divorce rates
Figures for arranged marriages are far lower.
I agree that figures do not assess the quality of marriage, though!

velvel chusid said...

... is not taught instead you have disaster:

how dare you reveale secrets of the universe...

Anonymous said...

Hey Shpitz! not everyone gets to know their prospective "mate" a day before meeting. There's a middle way as well. My shidduch was openly discussed in great detail way before "b'show" and i knew all the ins and outs and doubts going through my parents mind. I knew the stuff that could be a chisuron; had time to think about it and make my decision. Same goes for all my other siblings. So imho the system CAN work when as i said, there's a middle way. I very much felt that i had a voice in my shidduch b'H.

Hoezentragerin said...

Sorry SAM but that's a very superficial analyses of the data.
Fewer couples in our community divorce because of the greater stigma, financial dependency, and because there are often quite a few children involved.

That being said, does the Yeshivishe/ Litfishe crowd that actually date have a greater number of divorces than we do?

J.A.P. said...

Still laughing