Monday, April 16, 2007

JIB Awards

The Jewish Internet Bloggers Awards are coming up!

I haven’t been sleeping much lately. The anticipation! I toss and turn wide-eyed in the wee hours of the morning. And like, then I don’t even have enough energy to do my daily abs-squats with the 50lb weights on my lower torso, or the 500 mile run with my personal trainer Santos Ulasita. I shouldn't really admit but I haven’t been eating lately either. I’m on the beans-only-diet y’know (I endorse this AmAzing program, chullent.com!). Miracles, just, miracles. My sponsors put me on it and only two hours later I’ve shrunken into the ‘after’ photo. You surely understand that I must fit into my Oscar De Lerenta gown, which will go with a Gucci diamond-studded tichel over my newly-died-blond shpitzle. To that I’ll have my 14K gold kallah pearls. Ya-ay! I mean, the excitement of all this! The paparazzi, the reporters, the red carpet, the dates, the celebrities! Gosh!


I'm so nervous. I’m hyperventilating. Get me a paper bag! A papaper babag. Hoo, hoo.


Breath. Breath. Breath.


Kay. I’m cool now. No, really, I’m totally cool. I’ll have some of my beans though, please.


Anyway, so I’ve been naturally (duh!) vying for the award. This is my first year in Blogywood and I totally, totally deserve it. So I go down to the JIB website to check out all my nominations, all the while arching my back like my best BFF Pariz, and guess what! Hundreds of freakin’ blogs are being nominated, most of which I’ve never heard of! Is this about the indies now? Is that it? They call it “art”, hu? "Sinai Mountain", that makes it to the top, and why? What about my blog-buster music you pickle heads! Cheap sob liars y'all. They go about pretending that those stupid **** ****! @#$#------


(My publicist is back-spacing everything I write. Darn idiot.)


Well, (no, I’m not apologizing!) I have been preparing my un-acceptance speech. (No, I’m not apologizing!!! Did you ever?!) At least I’ll be able to go up there and chuckle into the microphone and say “this has always been my nightmare. Thank you so, so little! It was only with you guys that I could have not done this” and cry into the hostess’ chest with overwhelming thanklessness.
I decided that this rainy week will be a fine setting for me to pen my long and exceptionally brilliant speech. I’ve been sitting here in my twin size bed, next to my adorable pet Yoely, my pink laptop, and it’s just flowing out of me! God, I have so many talents, I keep on discovering more. First my beautiful voice and now this!!


I have about 1,256,549.25 written pages now. My therapist is so proud of me; she says that it helps me further develop my aura and psychic powers. It was just like that, I started to write about the people that helped this non-victory come about. I started with my parents. Man, like my therapist said, my parents are at fault for EVERYTHING. Even the liposuction disaster. So I wrote about them, about the way they raised me with a family of five million children in complete poverty and gave me away to the damaging foster care of Camp Machna Rav Tov. It’s a very sad story the way they abused me. I’ll be telling it on Oprah.


Then I proceeded to write about my education; teachers, principles and who-knows-who-else that were roaming the Bais Rochel brick building. I mean, I devoted five pages to the secretary in charge of the copy machine herself! These people tortured me while they were teaching me all their dumb genius ‘stuff’. I mean, I know we need to learn all the scientific theories, college ligature, a major and Jewish Torah, but they didn’t have to do it so often as five minutes a school year! It really affected me, and caused my allergy to the bedika-mit-a-bendel. So many high-leveled too-challenging studies to memorize can cause permanent brain damage (as it did for me).


Those pages of essay I already wrote are awesome, awesome. I am even using the Merriam Webster Dictionary of Great Epithets to help explain the traumatizing story. There are gonna be a lot of bleeps, especially when I write about the neighborhood from like, my hometown. Oh, man, those people from the Williamsburg Ghetto! Only because of them am I here today not winning anything. It's their credit! There'll be for sure one page for every person who stared at me. I’m still in the middle of my crocodile leather diary with that. Then the people that told on me to the Satmar school and caused my depression. All the guys that I didn’t date – also an awful story for which I have a book deal already. And I was totally deprived of stuff because of these people's treatment of me, like, I mean, the stores that didn’t sell Madonna, the theaters that didn’t have a screen, the dressmakers that made all the hips big, the shaver manufacturers that invented electric shavers and the company that designed celibacy-till-marriage and then the company that made open-back hospital gowns and the sfardisha mikvah ladies. And of course, the maker of the human hair Indians.

Gotta return to my essay. This whole break I took now on this blog interrupted my flow and ruined the speech. Ugh! How much more are my parents going to torture me?! When will this stop?!


Evil!

25 comments:

It's All Good Now said...

Pretty good.

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Wow all ready and I didn't even pick out my gown yet, I better rush rush rush. Good one!

Pat said...

Can we see you in your gown anyways?

Shtreimel said...

Go get it!

JewishBiFemme said...

Who blogs for an award? I blog cause I need to vent and bitch...Its kinda stupid if you ask me.

That pic is priceless. Im sure you're gonna be the sexiest woman at the awards...

Don't you dare forget mentioning my name in your speech or else...

kjrebbetzin said...

I'm rolling on the floor laughing. I might comment when I get back to myself. Ouch, my side hurts.

exsemgirl said...

Award or none I love the way you write!

Baal Habos said...

Go Shpitz, go! Vote for Shpitz!

sam said...

Fascinating, I don't know my Oscar's from my Oprah's so it was an eye opener to the current American movie culture. Can't say I am impressed though, I'm just intrigued how a Beis Rochel girl came to know all this. You've told us your first book, your first movie, but this is a long way from there!
All from the internet? or have been out in disguise again? Please tell all.

Chananiah Yom Tov Lipa said...

How inconsiderate.

I can clearly see hair sticking out.
My eyes are tainted.

Al chayt shechutuni lifunaychu b’aynayim rumos…

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

IA GN - Why, thank you!


SW/FM - Oh, hurry, hurry up, girl ;)

Pat - Of course. Meet me at the red carpet.

Shtreimel - ”go for it.” Yeah, sure.

JBF - The whole award thing escapes me just the same. As our good David on the Lake asked, what’s it for? Anyhow, you must be Jewish and an Isreali to qualify for the contest. But don’t you worry, I’ll be hosting the JAB awards pretty soon.

KJ Rebbetzin - Ahh, that’s the spirit! Thank you. (Oh my god, the rain has been washing up some very ancient bloggers!)

Ex Semgirl - See, who needs awards, hu?

Baal Habos - I could bet my bottom dollar we’ll still see you around! And you bet we do!!

SAM - Oh, well, no doubt I know a garbage-fact too many. I’ve said this before. My entire education consists of movies. (From Satmar to Hollywood. That would make a nice film!) Since a half year after I got married my husband and I have been watching at least a half an hour every night together, once the kids are asleep. If you ask me, it’s good for the marriage, it’s fun, and it’s amazingly informative of American celebrities.

I know many people believe that movies are not Kosher. I’m not of that standing. Not that I expose my children to it; that would be very damaging to the entire family. But as a grown adult? I see no harm.

Bring on the heat everyone!

CYL - Are you referring to my art? That is so not true! The statue was clean shaven before getting dressed.

Jewish Blogmeister said...

I use benedryl...

Baal Habos said...

> I could bet my bottom dollar we’ll still see you around! And you bet we do!!


LOL. But I never said I'd stop commenting. So don't bet too much.

Akiva said...

Congradulations - You've been nominated as Best Overall blog. Good luck, and warm up that dress!

(Yes, this is your official notification. BTW, link to www.jibawards.com, thanks!)

sam said...

Can't make out where your husband comes from? My DH will not look at a movie, unless there are no women in it. That leaves Laurel and Hardy and Charlie Chaplin after I have censored them for him. I also have to censor the Cornflakes boxes for his holiness, that's how I became so depraved.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Jewish Blogmeister - Well, advice from the expert!

Baal Habos - Aha! So I think it's about time I bet my bottom dollar that within a year you'll start blogging again, how's that?

Akiva - (Prphh!)
You need to open a best commentor's category. I have some excellent nominations.

SAM - Ahhh, I know exactly what you're talking about.
Many men watch movies in private, because their wives wouldn't agree. Me? I had to land me one of the "goody" ones. For the first year in what turned out to be screen life, we alternated between Baby Day Out and Home Alone, and even then we did a lot of fast forwarding. It took a lot of time for him to let go, and to this day he feels a tad guilty about it.
What should I say, I don't. I would definitely have gone in sane if I couldn't've at least rolled up next to a movie at night.

Semgirl said...

SAM, oh NO!! was your husband my husband's former Chavrusa in DC. He told me they had a lady there whose job it was to take a magic marker and blacken out the girl on the Tropicana container ..

Avini Malkeini Shelach Refia Sheleima LHoli Amecha!!!

SAM said...

Can't pasken on the Kashrus, it just seems such a waste of time. No harm in chilling out once a week with your husband but every night!.You have such good writng talents, imagination, originality and wit, use them!
You must have the time, considering this blog, the books and the movies and another blog now, Mazel Tov! Make the most of it while the kids are still young. Take a good writng course to brush up on grammar and spelling, get some feedback and gain confidence by writing short pieces for magazines etc. THEN START THE BOOK. It will be worth it!

SAM said...

Semgirl, no, that wasn't me, but I was the lady that volunteered to censor the dictionaries in my daughters school. I was given a list of words to black out,and it was from there that I gained my rich vocabulary! Though why Beis Rochel girls should go through life not knowing what words like 'ovary' means, is still puzzling me!

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

SAM - Oh, you're really kind.

Come to think of it, I suppose I am doing to a lot of nothing, and am adjusting my bedtime accordingly (and I have to tear off my eyelids in the morning, because otherwise I won't wake up). About writing, nah, the blog is just about goofing around, having some fun, writing as the mood strikes. Baruch Hashem, during the day I've got my hands full, at night mostly, I enjoy the blog or the screen.

The problem with writing seriously has been in my way from the moment I started to blog, and only worsened as I myself am not getting any frummer. See, if I want to be honest about my feelings, I can't be honest about the facts. That is, if I'll tell you that I watch movies, I'll have to take triple precaution to protect my identity, in the process making it more difficult to write about things that matter. There are so many delicious things to write about in my life, but I must always skip it all because that might give me away.

Writing is a lot of fun, you have no idea, but I have no use of it 'professionally.

SAM said...

I do understand your difficult position. I wrote an article under another a name in an American weekly magazine and a neice of mine said "That article is so not you, you have so much more in you than that, you just wrote what they want to hear". I answered her that I'm not sure if they want to hear what's really in me!!
Don't you think you could write a fictional book, that is really based on the truth without anyone except your dearest one ever knowing? Or is it not worth the risk?

JewishBiFemme said...

Yeah shpitz, It sucks to be frum and blog. The yachnes or haters won't sleep at night if they do not find out ones identity.

Does mind your own business-It's a free country come to mind?

Control freaks...

I simply enjoy your blog I could care less if we come from the same mother lol.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

SAM - I can imagine it's a lot harder to write for a paying audience.
The beauty of blogging is that you can abondon it completely when the mood strikes you, and take it up again when you want to. It gives you so much freedom of expression, unless you take the readers too much into consideration. Blogging has changed my life in many ways, and for the better.

JBF - Yes, well, I am guarding my identity for my life. Sometimes I think it would be easier to come out and let everyone know who I am. But I would be dead if my people every find out.

nuch a chosid said...

You deserve an award even just for creating the brand new glatt kosher l'mehadrin "Shpitzle award figure".

with that, you should make your own "shpitzle awards".

I can't wait to watch it online and finally see the Host of this lovely show

frumbabe said...

netflix rocks!