Tuesday, January 30, 2007

No Man's Land

Mother always tells the story of my birth. Despite all the deliveries that precede me and succeed me, her eyes still fog over as she retells the tale of the day that I was born. So many times I’ve begged her forgiveness, and apparently that was done every chatsus in the first half year of my life, but she’ll never give up recounting it, each occasion adding an interesting inch to the length of the pain. It’s made me a family legend.

In my own definition of things, I think it was disappointment that left this imprint in her heart. She had given birth to girls before, and good, feineh, meidelech that is. They made their way into the world and immediately took to sleeping, smiling and hanging over their mother’s shoulder.

I teased the doctors for hours before I finally decided to come storming out, according to the frazzled woman in hospital gown. But what she won’t tell you is that I made my debut wearing the shoulders of the traditional pink undei slung down to my arms and I was hollering like the world’s coming to an end.

As she cradled little puffy me, she was horrified to notice that I was born without, well, a barrette in my hair.


Yes, my family was devastated, much like you can imagine yourself. I know. Thanks for the condolences.

See, where I come from, women must be completely segregated from men, in order for them to qualify as real Yiddish kroyn. That little boy inside me, the rowdy nature in me that buckled up and rode the contractions before bursting into life – that was complete tarivas.

So here’s a tribute to all women out there that don’t fit the Perfect Pink mold. To those that aren’t all ribbon and frill, and 100% girly girl. A little performance presented by All Sides of Me.

Testing, testing. (the guitar strings, that is). Go:

Vish Vash.
Vish Vash.
Dee gantsah hoze is tip-top.

Eech aleyn halt in eyn vashen…
Dee gantsah hoez zoeber tsimachen…
Dee goyteh tit es nisht genig git machen…
Oy vee feyn iz alamool pesach tsee machen…

Click, clack.
Click, clack.
My head-to-heal attire is tip-top.

To put my nose out the door…
Or to run to the grocery store…
I get dressed in the shmoneh begadem…
Fin voos se-hayngt nisht kayn eyn foodem…

Ahem, Aha.
Ahem, Aha.
My thin voice is on the lowest notch.

I walk in military order…
To yell or run shows of a serious disorder…
I never get hyper or a little silly…
And those that do are crazy, really…

@$#@%$^$! Wohoo!! (Okay, don’t put me away again, please!)

Shsh, Sha.
Shsh, Sha.
I sing a lullaby la, la, la.

To be a mother is my desire…
And a wife to my husband, a very getrayer…
To have a baby every year…
Because I instinctively love only for others to care…


Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Disclaimers available upon request.

Anonymous said...

you DID IT again.....
oh, i was getting anxious to see another of your great posts, here it is
congrats, thank for not letting us - your avid readers - down.
my comment will follow.

Anonymous said...


OMG, You did it again! ROFL!!

Can I have the first disclaimer?

Listen, if you need any help with your vishen and vashem, then I'm offering my services... It's my way of giving thanx for all the entertainment you provide :)

Keep it up!! We don't want that tichel slipping, lol ;)

Anonymous said...

Yay! finally a new post :)! I love your blog and am obviously obsessed over when you will be updating...

funny post btw! keep writing!

Y.Y. said...

very nice de canst zingin oich

Chananiah Yom Tov Lipa said...

I have a feeling you're gonna be the first Shpitzle to win a Grammy for that number!

Then you can wear your pink tichel and dye your shpitzle green. Sure to make die Mamme proud of her little girly tochterl.

Once again, mega-dittos on another good one!

Baal Habos said...

>As she cradled little puffy me, she was horrified to notice that I was born without, well, a barrette in my hair.

I'm afraid to ask, but I know so little about Chassidim, that I must.

Are Chassidim born naked? I mean would the Aibishter really let that happen? Even to Chassidim?

der ewige Jude said...

Very funny, maybe you can put it on YouTube so we can hear the guitar solo!
When the Little Rebbetzin tells me she wants to be a Rabbi when she grows up, do I tell her no only men can be rabbi's you get to stay home and have babies instead. I do not. I tell her "You can be whatever you want to be." What I think is "Oy, chasiddische conservative?" Of course she doesn't have the traditional role models, Mrs. Jude goes off to work each day, while I stay home and do the cleaning and all the cooking.

Anonymous said...


(sorry You are loosing it)

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Nuchepes Next up, Girlyboy Epes a Chosid. She will sing Oops, I did it...

GG What? Yes, GirlyGirl!! Misses. You first make badroom, okay? Drubsha, missis. You make neyce. Okay?

This is a dream come true.

Anon Thank you, thank you very much. (bow)

YY My feelings, sir, have some consideration. Here I’m busting my moves and dancing all over the place and all you can comment on is the singing??

CYL Cool, Dude. Then we’re gonna pierce that green shpitz it’ll look real hot, man. (I’ve resigned to only piercing a tichel now, for those that are familiar with the mechanics of the headgear).

BHB Oh, you need to brush up on chassidis. Didn’t you know all girls are born wearing the jellybean duster? (Anyone remember THAT?)

Limey Yes, Yoelish. The high-n-mighty king that sometimes moves his royal tale to drop a pacifier into a kid’s yeller.

Ex Um.

Anonymous said...

Grammy is an understatement!! You deserve an Oscar. You write, sing, play the guiter & show the world that with your shpitzle kroyn eveything can be achieved. That is amazing.

You make me laugh so hard im sure you can hear through your computer screen....Your comments are even funnier then your posts. (What the heck is a jellybean pongielow oops I mean duster/robe WHATEVER)

All women have got a tomboyish side to themselves. Nothing wrong with that.

A Heimishe said...

I was always wondering the lyrics for the "Vish Vash" song.. thanks for singing it and sharing it :)

Now I can sign it for my little once lol

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Well we know the truth, shpitzle is the coolest of the children even if she isn't the typical:)

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Jude Exactly my point. Men and women have always been characterized with generic traits and accordingly assigned proper duties. Is every woman cut out for what’s internationally accepted to fit her personality? Does ever man have to act man too?
You’re living what we’d consider today’s liberal world. There’s paternity leave, active daddies and those that clink around the pots too.

On the other hand the conservative life suggests the woman must always be the soft mother, the one that looks up to her spouse while the spouse is the one that earns the income and has the final say. In reality this does not always suit the individual’s personality.

Gender. How much does it say about a person?

JBF Can you see my radiation come out of your screen?! I’ve waited for this moment my whole entire life (I decided to start using parts of my Oscar acceptance speech here, as practice).
The jellybean punjala! Ah, where do I start? Once upon a time, there was a man with a truck… Rings a bell?

We do all have a bit of a tomboy side, but it varies. I do think we all suppress it.

A Heimisha He, he. Now you can start ACTUALLY vishing and vashing, for those that pretend Pesach is not around the corner. (Yeah, I love to pass on the pesechalagical horror).

SW FM Oh, ma! I knew you’d realize one day. Now I’m all teared up. Hmph. Hmph. I need a tissuuue…

Skeleton said...

Patently hilarious, zeeskeit! You know it's gold when Al Yankovics does the spoof. Oh, never mind! This is the spoof...

Anonymous said...

Note to self

add to Shpitzle's profile

Great balabusta
Dresses well
Knows Poetry
Mother of a dozen kids
shops on Lee avenue

did i miss anything

(sorry i lost my pencil and paper so i am using your blog space)

ggggg said...

YOELISH!! LOLOLO. You're funny!

Tichel said...

"Disclaimers available upon request. "


Beingme said...

Yay! Thank you for your post! Not everyone is born domesticated, baking types (!) sometimes it can be hard when you dont 'fit' the role as well as your meant to. Keep writing!

Anonymous said...

Speaking of attire, I wonder what the establishment would do if they found out that:
Princess Diana wore seamed stockings.
The Queen goes nowhere without a head covering.
Ticheldigeh headgear is worn by the reigning families in African tribes.

S'mamesh cheekas hagoy, the way the ultra chassidim are made to dress.

And Baal Habos, I absolutely love your comment about the nakedness in which we enter the world. Read my latest post and you'll see what I mean when I ask the following question: Did God really know what He was doing when He created the world the way He did? (AND BEFORE ANYONE JUMPS DOWN MY CYBER-THROAT, PLEASE READ MY POST).

Chananiah Yom Tov Lipa said...

Men can have girly sides too.
I remember the first time I changed my kid's diaper in front of my Babbe she let out a geshrai, vus tieste?! vee is daan vaab?! daan zaide hut dus kaynmul nisht getien!
The times they are a changin' Yoelish...

(Note: I would NEVER change a diaper on Shabbos and risk being oyver on Schita, muktzeh, etc. Better to let my wife bren in gehenim.)

Anonymous said...

JellyBean modelcoats HAHAHAHHAA. Shpitz, now u've done it! I'm choking and gonna sue u 4 this lol.

Btw, the truck ain't 'once upon a time'... It's still existing and flourishing :) I should know, girlfriend, 'cuz I live right across!

Erm, if u still have them, u can cut 'em up for shmatas 2 use for cleaing, misses. How's that?

exsemgirl said...

Great post.

According to my mother I was the easier birth and the most difficult after...

But hey I need to be crazy sometimes-we all do!

kasamba said...

So cute!

Nu, the pain was worth it, no?

yingerman said...

Dont beleive a word that mom says about your birth, Mrs Shpitz.
My mom always I was a breeze and that sibling was a pain.
I think she tells sibling the same heh.

Anonymous said...

Shpitz, thanks again for touching on a topic that bugged me my whole life and u got to put it into words for me.
The probalm with our chinuch system today is, they expact everyone to adjust to them rather they adjust to every individual different.The fact of the matter is,not evryone is cut out to be what some other person thinks you should be unless that person studied you and evaluated you .
Just think for a moment how we defy gelungen these days. Someone who has a nice voice oh he is very gelungen, BS, he was blessed with a gift with a nice voice from hashem.
I remember as a child we had in our class the kid who was calssified as the best kid in cheder my father always wanted me to be like him.My nature was not cut out to be like him no matter what i had done i coudnt be the quietest boy in class.I am sure there is plenty more examples but right now i cant think of any.

Everyone is invited to chip in

Anonymous said...

(Note: I would NEVER change a diaper on Shabbos and risk being oyver on Schita, muktzeh, etc. Better to let my wife bren in gehenim.)

What kind of two faced husband are you?? This is exactly the way chasidisha men speak. Yet you are on the internet or who knows what else you do. That's a bigger sin then diapering a baby. Just say it...You are damn lazy to change or help your wife so you blame it on miktza give me a freakin break!!!

Is that what you think of women? better they bren? AHH! you disgust me.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Skel Jenkoya!

Nuch Epes Coming right up. A shpitzle with all the stuffings. I have your order down. You should know - the chef throws in a free Yoelish to that order too. (Duh.)

Lakevent 8: ) it's me, smiling, wearing my barette.

Tichel For this post you can choose between “No, I’m not gay” and “Boyishness in me is NOT physical”. A few more are in the works.

Beingme True. It is very hard. I don’t know about other women, but for me it’s very challenging. This post, although it seemingly didn’t come through properly, describes something that really bothered me all my life, not something that I’m just venting for the fun of.

IA GN Chikas hagoy indeed. Not chikas hagoyteh. It’s not the Muslim women that wear turbans, it’s the Muslim men.

I’m gonna check out your post. Interesting topic!

CYL Sounds like my mummy-in-law and your bubby are in the same mennimist club. My shvig will get besides herself if her dear boy will dirty his fingers with so much as holding a clean pamper. For the decent men, times are a changin’. For the lazy men, excuses are roaming freely. For the erlicha women, why are you offering the excuses?

Punjello Now you got me laughing!!

Exsemgirl There! Another vote for crazy! Let the institutions know we're all out free.

Kasamba You bet. That’s what I tell my mums. It was worth for me to go through all the pain, only so I could enter the world…

Yingerman I’ve been through a few deliveries myself too. I know all about it. Whatever you forget you’re entitled to replace with hand-knit drama.

Mazel Tov to your own story, sir!

KY Thank you for getting the point! And you took it a step further. While my post generally touched the topic of gender stereotyping, and how we all are expected to act according to this stereotype, you are taking it to the general problem of striving to be someONE, not only sex-wise, but in every other aspect of behavior. It’s an awful thing.

JBF Honey, there is NO gehenim for changing diapers.

Gals and Gals and Guys: To test my sanity I am offering a reward for anyone that can correctly explain how the first part of the post connects to the second.

Chananiah Yom Tov Lipa said...

I follow all the chimrehs I learn about on this blog which is fiel mit toirah in yiras shomayim.

I refer to what Reb. Shpitzle Shlit"a quoted on Asuro B'Teives, "In sefar Bne Bisch shteyt oz froen geyen avek fin der velt ying veyl zey vashen oop dee shmitz fin zeyer kinder shabbos."


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

> Every sperm is sacred.
> Every sperm is great.
> If a sperm is wasted,
> God gets quite irate.
> Let the heathen spill theirs
> On the dusty ground.
> God shall make them pay for
> Each sperm that can't be found
> Every sperm is wanted.
> Every sperm is good.
> Every sperm is needed
> In your neighbourhood.
> Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
> Spill theirs just anywhere,
> But God loves those who treat their
> Semen with more care.
> Every sperm is useful.
> Every sperm is fine.
> God needs everybody's.
> Yours & yours and mine!
> Let the Pagan spill theirs
> O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
> God shall strike them down for
> Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

chav said...

"So here’s a tribute to all women out there that don’t fit the Perfect Pink mold. To those that aren’t all ribbon and frill, and 100% girly girl. A little performance presented by All Sides of Me."

Well, isn't that it?

I thing you're brilliant. How do you do that? Every post a gem, and such frequency! I have trouble sometimes coming up with new ideas for mitzva tzetlech...

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

CYL I hear someone beggin’ a disclaimer… (This blog does not exempt you from hell…) have my lawyers right it up in six sides.

JBF lol! Close…

Anon I don’t usually publish comments that are completely unrelated to the topic, but I had a kick out of this poem. I googled it and found out that it’s by Monty Python. I still need to learn a thing or two about British humor.

Chav Wow! You absolutely deserve an award! Thank you, thank you so much! I really thought I was gonna get to keep it. My next guitar solo, dedicated to you!