Saturday, February 24, 2007

Yom HakiPurim

My friend phoned me. Like clockwork, she does that. Every Erev Yom Hapurim a certain sense of holiness comes over her, and she begins the search for means to prepare herself for God. She calls me for forgiveness and it’s not beyond her to beg at my knees. I respect her for that. Then she wants me to help her find a kosher shpitzle, so she can approach the Day of Atonement all ready. She wants me to guide her to the light.

We need a gemach for headgear, she cries. Don’t you people know how to accept Balei Teshuvas?

Not funny.

I personally, don’t like that getup. For me, I’ve been found staring at the furry pom-pom tail of the bunny costume. I suggested to Yoelish that he could dress up as the zissa carrot, to complete the seasonal spirit.

But well, Yom HaPurim tends to pass and for all the shake-up, life goes back to the usual. So I can’t afford the adult-eared-one-piece just yet. Shishon Purim can be cruel on ex-rabbits.

In the end, I’m dressing up in a white dress coat. No, no, not as a doctor. Doctor S. Shtrimpkind, MD PHD VIP ADD, with a remote stethoscope. \(Wake up, not a doctor I said. N-O-Ttt. \ Damn.). I’m gonna wear that coat, because I believe that that is the only way a woman should approach the holy day. In a white kittel.

On the Yom HaKippurim for men, the one that takes place in ellul, I enjoy the view from the top. From the balcony I watch the men freeze their butts off all day in shul. I would never make it in one place that long. I guess the knowledge that they spend all this time alternating between one wooden chair and two blue feet, I kind of excuse the ones I watch abusing their beards. (Push, pull, krazel, other hand, stare into the ceiling, curl the knot, run through from mustache to chin. Repeat process - as many times as possible). See, when I leave shul after a meager hour of participation, and rush home to feed peanut-butter sandwich to the kids, I am convinced that this day is shorter for us women.

On Yom HaPurim, tables are turned without mercy. I start the month by preaching "ivdu es hashem besimcha" only to try to fool myself out of what an ivdu I'm about to be. As I say tehillim on Esther Tannis, I have one bakasha. I let the tears free as I ask hashem to be matzil of evil puke.

...

Like these things go, the pangs really start about 2:00 pm into the second day. We then visit the in-laws to get the brucha of Purim Gelt. We come bursting in to a house full of the sound of prayer. Who knows why these people insist on turning the volume knob around chay times, till the powerful layhidim niggun hilchs oop into your kishkes, and makes an imprint on your eardrum that shall forever remain in you kemoi kol nidreh.

I should find me a zits and stop complaining, I tell myself, because I’ll spend the rest of my day praying fervently.

Uvini Malkini, please, zei dich derbarem of deyneh, or meyneh, children... They vehemently refuse to take their coats off, leaving my hand-sewn work buried in sweat. They tear through every can or box for sugar shapes, the consumption of which is rewarded with ample energy I cannot compete. ThI give up when they challenge the tall furniture or younger folks. I have talk to small humans through their white beards that have already been tasted, and tongue-tunneled, by every human my kin with salivary glands.

I coordinate meticulously my gift bags with the costumes. I tease the ribbons into perfect payos. I unscrew the door before we drag in the eye-popper to my mother. I deliver the basket to my shvigger with a crane. I ooh and ahh over the slice of kindle my sister wrapped up in a saran wrap for me, look at the stunning small kedem wine with gustah, and pat her on the back. I'll taste it all, I say, as soon as I'm done eating all the grass you filled the bag with.

Then I take out my pissum and ramseys and give it to her. Nah, it’s nothing, I'm being anivasdig. It’s horrible. I wanted to bake you a seven layer cake instead of the mini mirangues, chocolate truffles and engraved cookies.

Ha. Eat your heart out. Hearty appetite. (Alright, I am secretly evil. Salachtuh?)


A guy comes bursting through the door, followed by his sons. I know him, only now his beard is down and teased and he wears that litvish hat, from which sly contentment drips down, into a wise smile.

"Nee, dee frowen?" One of his sons, hardly 18, asks a sheilah. We are all ushered out, and I continue to watch the spectacle from the dining room door, over my mother-in-law's shoulder. The men vitzle themselves amongst each other, upon which I curse the damn headgear for making me deaf - completely. The half-drunk litvak whispers something l'men. He then leans back, giggles heartily and fumbles through all the glass bottles for a 'real sip'.

As they get up and dance, I know that I am in gulles. My baby holding onto my hip, us leaning through the entrance, holding the breath for the vase to survive the storm, I wonder why I have to see all this. Like a hungry person watching someone eat, I yearn to pull up a chair and bend in.


I wink to my husband as loudly as possible. He holds up a big hand, and finishes his cup. "Don't worry. Just a bit, it's Purim, a mitzvah. I won't get drunk this year. You know I can handle it".

I roll my eyes deep into my head. Anyone hear that?

He's doing his third cup, and I'm not counting anymore, or looking. I eat my food but the my palatte does not respond to the gourmet. Yoelish is wearing a 1 inch shreimel that opens at every shpitz, and runs all over the place to the music. It's shake before drink, so he dances wildly before downing another one.

Then he comes over to his mother, a little too close, and starts to explain to her. "farvoos hustee eer nisht leeb? Mayn vaab, mammi, dee kenst eer nisht! Mwua" He kisses into the air.

Shoot me.

He tilts back on his heals and forgets why he came over here. He runs back to the men where they start to talk Torah, and do teshuvah with loud cries. They hug each tightly.

My sister in law isn't that lucky either. True, it's my boy that balled at the wall, but she gets locked up in a room where her husband is loudly telling her how many sins they're doing. When Yoelish starts to look at me that special drunk way, and wobbles over to me, I lock myself in the bathroom. Hashem Yishmoyreynee, yiddishe kinder, being romantic, in deh public!! Showing affection! I must stop this at once!

My father in law, who's been benching his bochur'l all this time - holding onto him as if he's a bottle of alchohol, -starts to feel 'shlecht'. By the time the bowl is around he's vomited all over the carpet, wall, himself and table. If I look, I can see all that in the vomit actually. Holding a towel over his face, he pours himself another drink.

Yoelish sees someone to the door, a beggar that didn't get very royal treatment, one that heard a little more than he should about 'farshtinkene rashooim'. "Dee bist meyn breeder, all yidden are brothers" we hear him say and he too, is out the door. Hands wide open he swallows fresh outdoor air. He zigzags on the road even though I am yelling, stomping, and going positively off my mind.

A few good men take him home, against his will, and he falls into a calming routine of snoring. After I break the fast and furious by some quite time, 'I blow my own horn' knowing that I passed the test. I had my share of hell for the year.


Leshana Habah....

A K'Purim V'Purim Tovah :) !



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27 comments:

It's All Good Now said...

I hope you made the appropriate "Hinnenee Meechon" and "Hareynee Mezameyn" before you wrote this post.

Anonymous said...

great post as usual

hilarious

how do they say: אויב די נער וואלט נישט געווען מיינער וואלט איך אויכעט געלאכט!!!!

Semgirl said...

Yeah!!!!!

I was checking your blog several times a day, and had a strong feeling you'd be back before Pesach.

Very happy to see you, now let me read it..

(u know who) said...

(eyes rolling)

what happened u all ready for purim and pesach

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

It's All Good What if I didn't? Do I have to write it all over again?

Anon גיט געזאגט!

SemGirl Ey, you feel right. What did you think, I could resist? How've you been?

U Know Whose Eyes Rolling... I don't. But not to shtech you in the rolling eyes, I do have a head start on pesach cleaning.

It's All Good Now said...

No, Shpitzle. It's too late for that. Now you haveto say 3 Hail Marys, and 2 Forgive Me Fathers. But you can say them while you're busy filling the kraut and curling the ribbons. Actually, you're so geshikt, they're probably all done. So all that's left is a good long soak in the tub and some therapy for your fingers.

Semgirl said...

Shpitz...Its no fun until a group of bochurim come over and puke on your carpet..

Chananiah Yom Tov Lipa said...

Welcome back!

I need to calm my kishkes and read that one again!
I'm dying here.

JewishBiFemme said...

Welcome Back!

Your post was a breath of fresh air..Funny as always...

Happy Purim

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

IA GN LOL! You know me too-too well.



Sem Girl You bet. You gotta see these men feel endlessly sorry for themselves for the pain of vomiting. What do they know about standing over the toilet bowl every morning for three months straight?



CYL Hey, you know ‘back’ is not shayech. I never really left. But well, you’re welcome (too)…



JBF Thanks, girl!

yingerman said...

You gotta limit these thing before they overtake your life,
blogging?
NO
I mean the hachnos and the food!

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Good to see ya back, happy purim:)

Ex said...

Your back???

Cant live with them.

Cant live without them.

Chaya said...

I believed you when you said you won't be back till after Pesach...and I stayed away....until today.
I knew you'd be back!!!

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Yingerman- I do it, because I like it. I enjoy to experiment with creativity. But then others do it because I like it. Ahhh, the world is my palace!

I know the 'overdoing it' topic is a popular subject of debate, where many complain about the legnth we go for things we have nothing out of. Actually, people wouldn't go through such legnths if it weren't for the satisfaction they derive. Is it really a sin to experiment? I know men want it convenient. "Varf arayn a orange and a grape juice - in shoyn". Frankly, women live off these duties, and it is only natural that they should make it colorful and use their minds in the process. It's healthy.

Those women that complain that the standards are high, should be so kind, and realize that everyone has a right to set their own standards.

SW FM - Happy Purim to you too! Here's a typographical shaloch manos fruit basket: 0O0

Ex - Actually, I've secretly been lurking all along.
You thought I would go have my Purim without celebrating with you guys first?

Chaya - You betcha! Although, I didn't say I won't be around at all. I just had to realign my priorities.

Independent Frum Thinker said...

Great to see you back!
Some pre-Purim entertainment. :)

By the way, Yom Kippur is in Tishrei, not Ellul.

Also, in refernce to IA GN's comment; I think it would have been more appropriate to recite Hineni He'Ani Mima'as....in solemn Yom Kippur tones before writing this post.
Anyway, a Freilichen Purim!

nuch a chosid said...

where's that blog, it was just here, oysh why is the ceiling turning.
hey shpitzle, where are you, uh oh oh ok here it is.
don't run, i do not puke, actually i could puke occasionally but hey i am decent enough to run to the sink first

aahhhh

you have done it again, hilarious post, describing the purim scene with your talented pen-keyboard

we put away anything that can get broken, like fragile stuff etc, and we try to control the guys, if some one gets out of hand we show him out.

but what's wrong with those who do teshuva ... or start telling heir wife how they love them, its better then the other guy who all of a sudden starting mentioning a strange female name...

honestly, nobody does or says anything what he really doesn't want to do or say, its just things that he wants to say but is ashamed to, that come out oifen shikuren tzing.

Jacob Da Jew said...

"Go fetch. How in the world do I get him back in as he waves my grip away and runs? Hands wide open he swallows fresh outdoor air. He zigzags on the road even though I am yelling, stomping, and going positively off my mind."

This post is so hilarious!!!!

DW was walking on 13th ave on Purima and sees this weirdo dancing in the street.

As she passes by, she realizes that it is in fact her brother!!

She was mortified!

Of course, she acted as if she did not know him.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

IFT They say Venahapuchee. So, Mishinechnes Nissen Marbim Besimcha … Oh, what missing seminary has done to me. Vey.

Nuch, Nuch! You are fun when you're drunk! Drink on!

We'll show you the door when you get out of hand ;)

What's wrong with telling your wife you love her? What's wrong?? What's wrong? What do you mean what's wrong? Um, um, like, teenage pregnancies can happen!
Really now, are you going to expose your children to such fragile information after spending your entire year sheltering them from it? Kids can hear, others can hear. It's nivel peh.

Actually, about saying things you don't want to say… I've heard of people that slipped. If a person gets lost enough, they can talk. And you know today's world... Too many men have secrets.

Jacob Da Jew OMG! I would be mortified just the same. If only women could at least help out with the physical responsibility of carrying the men. Ugh.

What about DH, is he drinking?

nuch a chosid said...

we are waiting for chapter 2. what happened after that

u say that things can slip. uh oh,
then no drinking for me this year....

Chananiah Yom Tov Lipa said...

I love to see the look on goyim's faces when they see full US Army regiments with payes roaming around Brooklyn in deafening trucks.

But why do Hassidic men think that it is just très kewl to wear the full levish plus cowboy hat? I'd rather see more zeesa carrots out there.

I hope Yoeilish sobers up in time for the riveting, hilarious, and historically accurate Shpiel at the Bes Medrish, about Yosef Hatzaddik and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat and how the Baal Shem Tov rescued Napoleon's kid from a deserted island.

א כשר׳ן פורים
(Because you had better be done with Pesach cleaning by now)
and גמר חתימה טובה to you.

marallyn ben moshe said...

shalom shpitzle...loved your post...good to be a jew...and anonymous ich hom gut gelacht fun dyaneh mamehloshen...very good...a zeiss yontiff

Mrs. Jude said...

Glad you are posting again! btw little rebbetzin was thrilled that people keep leaving her comments. We are going to have another chussidic blogger on our hands soon... lol

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Nuch Chapter Two, hu? Like, shishon purim when we saddle onto the goytah and ride her for the next four weeks?

CYL Lol!! Actually, we've been enjoying the very humorous and historically accurate performances for a month now. See "Megilas Esther Mit Gezang" and you'll mammish hold your sides. The sad thing is that after so many times hearing it, I'm starting to laugh too.

As for the accuracy of the information, I was wondering about that. A movie based on the megillah, released in 2006, seems to tell a completely different story. Anyone know what they based that on?

Marallyn Freilicha Purim to you too!

nuch a chosid said...

speeking about megiles estehr mit gezang

My favorite song on there is

כבוד, כבוד, איבערן קאפ.......

Anonymous said...

Chitz fin alles, Yom Kipper is in Tishrei, not Ellul.