Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Headaches

My wedding anniversary is coming up. I am commemorating these years from the nuptials by making Yoelish's favorite supper. But I will be marking not only the birth of my family and my love for Yoelish, but I also will be reflecting on other aspects of my young life that have changed when I got married. As I think back to the things of past and to this momentous wedding event, some very strong feelings envelop me. I'd like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to some very dear part of my life I lost when I got married, because of my marriage.

I've prepared a little ceremony, a little ritual of sorts, that I want to perform. I lit some vanilla scented candles and turned off the lights, and I will observe a few moments of silence in memory.

...............................

And I will now read a letter I wrote to express my strongest, deepest, broken voice of longing.




To my Dear Friend,

My heart aches with endless pain as I once again open this wound. I know that you are angry with me, and I understand your reason. I too, am really hurt.

I want you to realize that there was nothing I could have done about it. I was presented with a choice one should never know of. It was very clear that it was either you or him.

I love you very much, but after excruciating reflection I concluded that although my feelings for you are unconditional, you can not satisfy some parts of my life that he does. I hope it makes you feel better to hear that even though I have gone on to a happily married life, I still think of you every day.

I think of the special times we shared, and then of the times our relationship was under stress. I can now appreciate the extent to which our friendship made me a better person. You no doubt accented me in many ways.

I smile fondly at the memory of you under the rain. I remember your obsession with clothing. You had an endless collection of shoeboxes of ribbons, barrettes, ‘chuts’, ‘rifes’, brushes, mirrors… All of which were always updated according to the latest style and fad. Oh, you were so materialistic; I sometimes wondered how we ever got along.

Actually, very often we didn’t. In the Nine Days you were ecstatic. You looked awful, oil dripping from every end. You insisted that you be washed. In the earlier days, you owned pets; ugly ones that freaked me out. Because of them my mother tried to tear us apart.

You always wanted for me to spend over thirty minutes with you every morning, while you humored yourself by flipping out while I constantly tried to turn you in. You loved cuts, but when we arrived for the appointment you were a control freak. Not too short, not too long…

Oh, you were such a headache.

Despite all that. I miss you.

When I turned 18 and you became fearful that I will leave you for a man,you overreacted. You stopped being yourself. You attended hours of ‘therapy’ at the stylist, giving yourself the ‘of age’ look. You refused to look natural. You always had to be thoroughly conditioned and perfectly blow-dried.

I recall the summers with you most fondly. When you let go of all the uptight dos and you just had fun. You’d be wild, messy and bundled up in a bun. You were happy then.

I miss taking baths with you. I miss it so much. At first, when we broke up, I would stand in the shower and cry. I felt empty and alone.

I placed a memorial, some sort of tombstone, in your place. It’s called a shpitzle. Every day as I pile the plastic hair, sponges, tashtichels and silk paintings onto my head; I dedicate that moment for you.

You will have a special place in my heart, forever.

Love,
Shpitzle 

79 comments:

heimishinbrooklyn said...

Ha Ha. Seriously Laughed Out Loud. Great writing style and great article. I totally feel you. I too cried in the beginning. And still do so occasionally.

Anonymous said...

wow great article I figured it out but LOVE the way you wrote it!!

Dear Jewishbifemme,...

Did you delete your blog?? awww whats up with it

It's All Good Now said...

Shpitzle, I "hair" you loud and clear. I've been through the gamut with this "hairy" subject, and my husband and I have found our niche in the "bey hoor" world. I know that's not an option for you, although it very well could be if you and your husband are in accord on this subject. I've faced threats from my elders about them not eating in my house on account of my non-clean-shaven head, but standing my ground has helped them realize that they will haveto choose between their tradition or me. I guess they couldn't deal with the "head"ache of heartache because I am very much a part of their lives.I understand them to a certain extent, I really do. But what pisses me off are the times when I underwent a tragedy/difficulty (i.e. miscarriage, etc...) and one of them would say, "Efsher iz ess shoyn tzaht az dee sherst zeech oop? Efsher moont dee Bashefer deyss fin deer?" My usual answer is, "If I feel that I want to take something upon myself, I won't start with taking off the maybe 3" of hair I have on my head. And please don't make the Bashefer's cheshboynes for Him, because something tells me that He's a lot happier with me and my hair and my lack of loshon horah, than He is with you and your cleanshaven 000 head and your penchant for burning up the phone wires."

Hoezentragerin said...

Rachel aishes reb Akiva had a head full of long blond curls (at least in my mind):)
Why are we expected to be holier than her?

JewishBiFemme said...

I feel for you shpitz...

Does not feel whole lot of a woman without hair..Been there done that for the first 4 years..Nowadays at the mikvah they ask me if I am married cause of my hair...

For the life of me I will never understand this chasidish minag..

I don't think those of us who dont shave bring tzuras to klal yisrul..Just like wearing mascara is the reason for charbun bais hamikdush!

I totaly agree with "its all good now"....

You express your feelings in an amazing way!

(Disregard my first few comments I was just teasing you..Sorry)

Senorita said...

Now thats what you call NISHT AHIN N NISHT 'AHAIR'.

Y.Y. said...

grow it back
end of story

wearywife said...

Look at the bright side...at least you dont see all the grey hairs your husband is giving you.

Seriously, do you think hair is so gorgeous after years under a sheitel? I get mine cut at a regular hair salon. I wear it in a bob kind of cut. I do this because my friends who have long hair tie it back in a pony. Then they dig the comb in the front part of the sheitel into the front of their hair. This makes for a nice bald spot where the comb has pulled out the hair. The hair also thins. Mine just looks like it had the life crushed out of it,which of course it had. Thus, when I go to the ladies gym, I still wear my snood more out of bad hair than frunkeit.

the sabra said...

hehe
funny funny mrs shpitzle

Anonymous said...

It's all good,

I don't know if you are talking of the real "niche in the "bey hoor" world" or the just so-called by hoor. I have realized recently that the ilitirate frumers are calling coverd long hair "by hoor." It even found its way into a new sefer for tznius. When I saw this an other misrepresentations in that sefer I wanted to burn it for being megaleh punim betorah sheloi kehalucha. By hoor means real hair that shows and gows on the shaitel so you shouldn't see where the shaitel begins and it should look real.

hairnet said...

I always thought it must be painful looking at yourself...how do the husbands deal with it?

Chaim Chusid said...

Lady Pointe,

Us men don't have this problem. The curls are cut at age three, and that’s that.

What we do deal with are wives that deal with these severe issues.

As far as I am concerned the decision for a woman to cut her hair after her wedding should be made by her and her spouse. That’s it.

I stress "her", as there are a lot of physiological attachments to hair, to just go and chop it off is really a traumatizing experience.

You sorta make a joke about it, but it is not a joke.

How many men would find their wives more attractive if she had hair? How many women would feel better about themselves if they had their own hair?

If the decision was made by a couple, after thinking it through rationally, then fine. The problem starts when the young couple is given no choice at all.

I mean what chutzpah.

A father of a Chusson demanding that his son request it from his new Kalla? A mother “telling” her daughter that this is how it is???

I mean whose life are we talking about here? The parents or this new couple?

Marriage in itself a very awkward state, especially for people that have gone through the “dating” process as we do, why must we augment this by adding additional psychological baggage?

There is a lot of pressure out there from parents and the like to have a young woman cut her hair. I think the decision is a very personal one, and most importantly nobodies business.

The young couple's personal life should always be just that, personal. It is nobodies business what goes on behind the closed door of this sanctuary we call marriage.

I can go on and on, but I will leave it at this.

I remain,

Chaim

your ok im ok said...

well guys heres my 2 cents.

first shpitzel theres alot of talent u got under ur shpitzel, lol.

i dreaded the day after when my mom would come and chop it off. i accepted it cuz i was to niave and fearful. i dreaded looking in the mirror.

somehow they dont get that this is traumatizing for the few hasidic girls who are in touch with their feeling.

a little later i let my hair grow. ahhhh the feeling of brushing ur hair again! my parents as usual threw temper tantrums, i cut it again , then i was like f@ck it, man how much longer am i gonna allow them to dictate how i treat my body, let alone her not letting me shave my legs, cuz its modern.

i feircly believe its up to the couple to discusse BEFORE the marraige, not after and then u realize how different u are.

senorita said...

Dont u think shoving the kids under the chupah and saying 'hey you're married now, do your own thing' would be even more confusing?! I think its wiser to tell them what to do n how to do it and then let them decide together once married how to do it their own way..

your ok im ok said...

well it would take time for this made up rituals to change.
ill my sure my daughter has choices. i guess my parents were afraid i wont choose their way of life, which is extremly selfish
my father piched a gown he liked, furniture, clothes, etc. sick

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Chaim,

I agree with every word you wrote and mostly, how serious this issue is. In ‘my’ world people would say “it’s just hair for god’s sake!”…

But you should understand that ‘making your own decision’ comes with just as much psychological baggage. Did you read IA GN’s comment? Do you know how it feels if during hard time, when you turn to your friends and family, are told that your troubles are a result of two inches of hair that god put there????
Can you be more hurt???

Let me remind you that many people don’t complain or feel deprived because it’s a part of their life. You tell yourself that you’ll get lots of schar… But the harm it does to the sexual aspect of a marriage is undeniable.

There is one solution without baggage. That we, as parents, at least give our children the opportunity to do what they feel is right.

PS I must thank all shviggers now for their share in understanding of this matter. The gift (pocket book or something) you give after the first shave really makes all the pain go away.

Heimish – Yeah, at least we can try to laugh about it.

Anon – Enjoy it, even if it’s just from the figure of speech perspective…

It’s All Good Now – Once again, your courage should set an example. You have managed to defy the popular ‘meglicht, glitcht men’ theory. I wish all of us had our priorities right like that.

Hoezen – Blong? Curls? Long?
Klap of dyn moel!!!
(I took your advise)

JBF – lol! Why do they think you come to mikvah, so that they give you the free back rub?

YY – Thanks for the shot of man-problem-solving. It’s not so simple!

Wearywife – I feel for you, but no, you didn’t win the sympathy contest…

The Sabra – :)

Anon – I thought bi-hoor is bi, as in two, hoor as in hair. That is, two inch hair.

Hairnet – They don’t deal with it at all, but at least they don’t have to mourn the loss. They didn’t loss anything.

Your OK, I’m OK – I know exactly the feeling of your parents traumatizing you enough till you do it just for them… At least you raked up the courage to do stick to your guns.

Seniorita – There’s a different between a little guidance and controlling every aspect of a child’s life.

Anonymous said...

My dear friend and mentor is a truly special person. She can out learn most men and out chessed most women. She is an incredible wife and mother. Her middos, yiras shomayim, emunah and betochun are truly exceptional. She is a dynamic and gracious lady.

All this is packaged in ladylike demurness, poise and elegance. She is a truly beautiful person both inside and out.

And guess what? She manages to be the personification of what most of us aspire to in her own hair!!!

I live in a less modern community so I cant get away with wearing my own hair, but I would trust her kashrus more than I would trust that of my most fafrumpt neighbor.

cafe_28 said...

Come on, will your husband find you more attractive if you have 3" of hair than if you are almost clean shaven?
Those 3" are only good if you don't always wear a turban down to your eyebrows and chin. If you're always in a turban, or shpitzle, why bother?

cafe_28 said...

You know what grosses me out the worst?? Those ultra-frum people who shave on 000 and wear shpitels. How many times can you see their bald, 'porcupine-like' head by their necks and sides, bec. unlike a shaitel, a tichel can't be pulled down to cover hair. Doesn't that look disgusting??

yingerman said...

My mom has hair.
Spoucy's mom does not.
What we do is our business.
And all the yenta's can go rot.

A couple makes decisions.
For the sanity in their own life.
Parents can suggest.
But listen to your wife.

People talk and preach.
Smile, on your mouth a lid.
Inside one must decide.
How far, will you go for your kid!

JewishBiFemme said...

Cafe my dear..99% of Williamsburg women shave on triple zero! GROSSSS!!!!

Reminds me of ghetto..
So unladylike! Very gang/manly looking......

A guy in shul once told my husband doesn't matter if one wears a shpitzle,tichel,wig, or a tights on the head in bed everyone is the same cause they wear a turban! HELL NO!!
I wonder if my hair is noticeable? I do know of some shpitzles wearing a wig in bed!!!

Some of us do have beautiful hair..Wearywife I don't know about your hair..But ive seen on many silky,shiny,stunning,long,full hair..(including mine)

Shpitz..speaking of back rub! That is the sickest thing ever...Did you know only in our town it is done?

chaverah said...

oy! i could never shave my head. I feel for you! I cant really understand that chassidish minhag. I am not putting anyone down, however, does the torah state to look ugly for your husband??? guys love hair. its bad enough i keep it short to cover it, but go bald completely??? its like shaving off your womanhood. do chasidish women in the end feel pretty? I really would like to know.

your ok im ok said...

i remember buying a shaitel shortly after my wedding.
im glad i dont havto hide as much anymore.

wearywife said...

It doesn't happen often, but i agree with yy- hardly ever happens
......if enough young wives in willy grew back their hair this barbaric custom would change.

Wearing a wig to bed....yuch. I've spoken with some shpitzles who do that ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.....

Women need to worry more about whats in their heads than on them. Its All Good is right....taking off the skin of your scalp and wearing 25 tichels wont offset loshen hora.

Shpitzel....husbands really do give you gray hairs. Because you shave you dont see those streaks of gray. There's a bright side to everything. Hope that thought puts a smile on your face....Happy Aniversary and many more. May you and your old friend (hair) have a reunion real soon.

A single's perspective said...

OMG, this was too good, shptiz, too true to be funny LOL. I enjoyed reading your article immensely, and especially the two cents that everyone threw in..

I'm not yet engaged, and this issue hits a raw spot in me. I don't know what to think about it. My mom does cut her hair (not to zero, no, but she does cut) and some of my sis do, but some don't. I know my mom is hoping I'll cut mine, that's what she implies whenever I happen bring up the issue. I like to think for myself, however. Sometimes I wonder if all the things we've been told in this community about this, if it isn't a bunch of BS, and if we're just expected to be a bunch of brainwashed puppies following our cult masters. Is cutting one's hair a mitvhah or a zechus? Or is the only thing i'll get from it, the zechus of kabud av v'am? If so, then which one is more valued? The kabud part, or keeping the hair to be more pleasing to my husband?

And to all chassidic guys out there - honestly, do you mind or not that ur wife is shaven?

Begreatfull said...

מיין מאן האט זייער ליב געהאט אז איך בין געגאנגען מיט מיין טורבאן אין בעט, אבער ער האט נאר ליב געהאט אז איך האב אונגעטין א שיינע רויטע קאלירטע זיידענע טורבאן כדי אזוי קען ער חאטשיק שפירן די זייד וואס איז אזוי ווייך אין סשפירט זיך ממש ווי העכטע האר אויפ מיין קאפ,

Semgirl said...

WW:

You are really starting to scare me. Is everything ok by you.

Singles Perspective:

Run, theres still time. Seriously, maybe explain how you feel to them. Because, if down the road you just resent not having hair, it will lead to much less Cibud Av V'Im in the long term..

BG: You remind me of my father when I was little. Whenever I would walk in the room, in the middle of a conversation, he would say zug nisht der kinder and switch to Yiddish. Suffice to say, I understood what you wrote, but why not just wear a Sheitl to bed then..

David_on_the_Lake said...

LOL...funny..
plastic hair?...yikes...what exactly is a shpitzle??

Begreatfull said...

A wig would fly off easliy the way we did it wild through the sheet

Anonymous said...

What is it that causes you women to march on lockstep with the shteitel. Do you not have any backbone! There is big varied Jewish world out there. A place for everyone to fit.

single's perspective said...

Semgirl,

Why would it lead to less Kibud av ve'em? If i cut it, make them happy, and then let it grow back....?

Jonah Kohen said...

A singles blogger...

You asked the question...

I can't answer but I can speak for myself. I find a 'shpitzel' way more attractive than hair.

I might be unusual but there is this phenom of men attracted to women who dress and have the most 'Innocent' look.

If I may turn around the tables... Many years ago when Reb Aron made the giant 'chasene' in Nassau County a fem goyishe reporter sat near my cousin and chatted with her during the 'mitzvah tanz'.

She asked her in puzzlement. "I see all the women here looking so good... but these chasidic men .. do you really find them attractive??"

My cousin a 'temimesdige bais ruchel vaibel' was astounded by the question. "why not?" she asked.

I can't know for sure but I don't think 'shpitzel' would like her hubby better, if he were a clean shaven baby faced with 'gebigelte hoizen' and turtle neck shirt - mit a shaine tchup.

I doubt it.

In realty none of us understand the African tribe featured in National Geographic with their painted faces and pierced noses with popsicle sticks sticking out of their ears and dried-prune-like boobs. Are they really attracted to these women? THEY SURE ARE!

Within each culture there exists a different standard of 'beauty' Would a hasidic man be attracted to high heels, tight pants, long eye lashes fem??

Maybe, but not me!

Lakewood Venter said...

So touching. LOL

Anonymous said...

JK, why wouldn't Shpitzle be more attracted to her husband if he looked like you described? I know I would, and my husband knows it too.

megapixel said...

my Father in law misses his hair, too.

your ok im ok said...

thanks again shpitzel for bringing up great core issues.

the point bout these tribe women, very interesting. u got a point.

and as far as kibud av goes, is respecting them, not giving up what u think is right for u. i think parents are exploiting that commandment

It's All Good Now said...

Anon 12"32, thanks for clearing that up for me. I guess I don't have beyhoor after all.
Coming from a Chassidishe family, one in which all the women shave, I can tell you that my brothers/brothers-in-law do not find their wives unattractive and they do not long for longer hair on their wive's heads. This is what they're used to, and for them it's a matter of pride. Honestly, I am a bit envious of their complacency. Their lives are much simpler. Duller, but simpler.
And to all the women who shave, I'd like you to familiarize yourselves with 2 concepts - electrolysis and laser. Each of these methods is a very effective way to permanently remove the unsightly growth by your sideburns, nape of the neck and low hairlines. Not only is it unappetizing to look at, but vee shteyt geshribben that it is permissible for these hairs to be seen during the regrowth process?

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Guys,



We’re being too rational here and in the process forget why we women shave our heads. The answer is simply because it is not an issue. Everyone is bald. The men expect you to be bald. Having a drop hair is a reason for people to talk who-knows-what behind your back. We always wear a turban when the kupshtik is not on, some even when they bath (not shower). We try to replace the turban with hair. $25 a piece. There is one for each ‘duster’ we own. There are new styles daily. It’s not a hassle, it’s comfortable (especially if you shave on 000) and you don’t look bad in it.



Café – you’re right. Having a man-cut of hair that you can’t even put your fingers through (that will upset everyone around you) is not such a glik. It’s simpler to mow the lawn clean. However WAXING your hairline or doing laser is ridiculous. Many women do that.



Someone like Single’s doesn’t seem to have so much trouble. If she can explain to her parents before her wedding that she does not feel like cutting her hair but she will be a god-fearing good wife/mother nonetheless, her parents will probably get over it. Running from them is not the ideal solution. For me for instance, if I’d tell my parents that I’m not cutting my hair, they’d never talk to me again.

YOIO – Absolutely true. Parents abuse their power.



Jonah – Yes, I am mostly only attracted to Chassidic men. The reason is simple. They are what men are in MY world. I have nothing in common with the guy you described, I know nothing about him. A man to me means a man that has a beard and side-curls. But had I been presented with the option of defining MY men as ‘clean shaven’, I would really prefer that look. It’s nicer, period.

The same is with you. Women to you are shpitzles/sheitles. However, that is not an excuse for the fault in your preference, a fault that although you can live with, many cannot. Untouched nature is genericly desirable to everyone, and any fetish you have is just that, yours. Besides, I am quite sure that had you been presented with a shpitzle woman that has hair underneath and a shpitzle woman that’s hairless you wouldn’t run for the bald-beauty. God created women with hair, and it takes a prominent place in her sexuality. I absolutely think cutting it is barbaric and not requested or appreciated by God.



David- Ey, yey, yey. A shpitzle is a bigger headache than hair, believe me. Every time you go out you have to put it on and it takes a lot of time. Most shpitzle women feel self-conscious in the headgear. It’s really some idiot’s solution. Faux hair neatly combed up and over, to create a little crown so-to-speak from ear to ear. Then a scarf with some stuffing is added that is tied in the back.

I know that many sheitle people find it funny to dress up in a shpitzle Purim.



Wearywife- THANK YOU for a most headwarming anniversary wishes! (lol, lol, lol)



Begreatful – My computer turns your comments into a bunch of trees and shapes :(


Good Shabbos all!

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

BTW - JBF, back rub is the best part of mikvah. I always prepare myself to offer the mivkah lady a tip if she'll do a half-hour back rub but can't summon the courage.

Ahhhhh! All that warm soap on a tight-nerved back! Whew. A little more rubbin' please! ahhh!

cafe_28 said...

UGH!! No rubbing for me. I prepare myself at home so as not to have someone rub my back while I'm sitting in a tub with my ass exposed.

But that's off the topic of this post. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Maybe BS would like to have someone do that rubbing thing for her since she's exposing her ass all over that place anyway.

Anonymous said...

...sorry, all over "the" place.

Independant Frum Thinker said...

Hmmm....I just stepped in. Looks like the ladies would prefer to leave this discussion for themselves. :)

Anonymous said...

who is BS?

megapixel said...

sounds a little backwards - you shave your head, but not your legs!

the culture explanation makes the most sense.

Single... said...

Hey Shpitz,

Although in my case, it's not like my parents will never talk 2 me again, but I'm not sure exactly how'd they'd get over it. It can turn out to be a really hurtful situation.
Also, what's the whole big deal about shaving w/ shaver? Why can't you guys just cut it w/ scissors? I don't quite understand why it has to be so barbaric...

Anyone??

Baal Habos said...

Very nice. I had to read this and the comments twice before I understood what on earth was going on. Hats off, err I mean shiptzle off to this post.

(Oy vey, another blog to follow.)

Ex-Blogger said...

yeah baal habos I first though she was admitting in public to an affair she had.

anonym00kie said...

if you (or any commenters and their husband) dont beleive in shaving your heads.. why are you doign it? you say others will criticize and judge.. how do they know? do you have to tell them? if they can just tell from the shaved sideburns and neck... shave those and leave the rest of your hair unshaved.

JewishBiFemme said...

BTW - JBF, back rub is the best part of mikvah. I always prepare myself to offer the mivkah lady a tip if she'll do a half-hour back rub but can't summon the courage.

Ahhhhh! All that warm soap on a tight-nerved back! Whew. A little more rubbin' please! ahhh!
--------------

You poor girl!

You tip an alta babitchka to rub your back in a mikvah??? Get the heck out of there A.S.A.P. run home to your yoilish and let him do you..oops I mean rub your back nerves...If yoily don't know how then teach him on his back..

If you love back rubs that much hire someone to come to your house with the table, oils, candles etc. in the private of your bedroom.
Oiy vuz velen die neighbors zugan? tell them its your cleaning lady.

(you're the first woman ive ever heard who enjoys mikvah that provides back rubs)

back on topic sorta>> Someone mentioned you dont shaved legs? Please swear to me that frum women like that do NOT exist! YUCK! No wonder so many chasidish men demand ho's with sexy shaved legs..

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Singles – In your case I would still try to drop the bomb and get over it. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up to run from them for the rest of your life.
Shaving is the Satmar rule. Some clueless rebbe thought it was a marvelous simple solution.

Baal Habos – It seems that you don’t know much about Kiwi-head women.
Cheer up. There are no halachas that mandate you to follow a blog every-so-often…
Thanks!

Annymookie – The mikvah lady will see and all that hair doesn’t fit under the turban. Very hard to hide it.

Café, JBF and all other women that are too ‘rational’ to enjoy the nuggets of pleasure this life feeds you.

Why the hell would I care who it is that gives me the back rub, should it be a cleaning lady or a 60 year old boogie-man-mikvah-lady? I’ve been through one massage too many and sorry, it doesn’t do it for me. All the kneading is not for me, should it be with stones, mud or just oils. It’s a matter of preference. There’s one primary masseuse on my premises, yes, you guessed, it’s Yoelish, but that wouldn’t change the fact that it’s nice to relax a little in mikvah. I tend to enjoy mikvah very much in general.

Mexapixel – baruch hashem there are more shaved legs than bald heads. But there is a certain ‘frumkeit’ not to shave the legs either. It’s beyond me.

JewishBiFemme said...

Geez, OK! You can calm down now!!

A boogie man -lady? Glad I dont use your mikvah! OK ill leave you alone!

Cheer up you sound bitchy today!!!

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

lol. I wonder why I come off like that...It's sunday! Who's bitchy sunday?

JewishBiFemme said...

Who is bitchy Sundays? Those yiddisha mamas who are bitchy all week long!

Sundays are for African Americans to enjoy at church!

For us its just another day to bitch or shop!!!

Glad your laughing!
-----

Those who grow their hair back change mikvah's you know! Pupa doesnt mind! They dont say a word..

No I am not "rational" & I do enjoy pleasures this chasidish life feeds me! But that aint one of them...

maven said...

this post brought up so many thoughts/issues by me.

#1 what is the origin of the headshaving? i heard once that there was some war in hungary where soldiers were violating the women (lo aleinu), so the women davka tried to make themselves ugly as a means of self-protection. is that true?

#2 i think shpitzles are beautiful, and i wish it was our custom to wear them.

#3 i think it is a very holy thing to have "hair" in private with one's husband, *if* that is what the couple likes. it doesn't matter if it's a wig.

#4 i understand community and parental pressure, and how hard it would be for a young woman to "make her own choice" regarding her hair. it's easy to say "there's lots of flavors of frumkeit so choose what you want," but it's not so poshut.

#5 i don't understand this line in your poem: "in the earlier days, you owned pets; ugly ones that freaked me out." what does THAT mean?

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Maven, extensive comment. Thanks.

#1 – I have no idea. For us there is one universal answer to every question: “Seshtyt..” Should it be in the Aseres Hadibres or in the Byrach Moshe, it’s all ‘seshtyt’. I was under the assumption that women started to take the covering off so shaving became a preventive measure. But I’m really not sure.

#2 – You must be a man. Shpitzles hurt, take time to get into, never match your dress and make you look like a floating device dropped from a place that gravity doesn’t apply…

#3 – Absolutely. A wig is just feels staged. It’s not natural.

#4 – Again, absolutely. That’s also why I’m wearing the Shpitzle.

#5 - Lice

cafe_28 said...

Satmar mikva doesn't say a word if you come with a few inches of hair. I never had a problem with them.

JewishBiFemme said...

Well, I have enough brains not to show up in Satmar with much longer then shoulder length hair..So I changed to pupa..

Satmar feels so commercial,cold,chicken market.while pupa with much less rooms makes it a good experience.

Whats a few inches of hair? Nothing!

anonym00kie said...

google results:
Did you mean: Spaetzle

Your search - Shpitzle - did not match any documents.

ok i dont think i know what a shpitzle is.. any pics anywhere? :)

and i still dont get why you cant let your hair grow and not let anyone know. fine the mikva lady will know, but will she actually go out and tell poele (yes, apparently i am naive regarding mikva ladies), and i didnt mean grow your hair long to your knees.. just a cute little bob, cant be hard to hide.. or am i wrong?

Hoezentragerin said...

" I was under the assumption that women started to take the covering off so shaving became a preventive measure. But I’m really not sure."

Interesting. I never heard of that one before, and frankly, it makes little sense.
If a woman is ready to ditch the tichel, don't you thing she would stop shaving too?
The reason, or at least one of the reasons for shaving, is to ensure that the woman's hair is never exposed to other men.
There's also this kabalistic notion that some sort of freakish "klipa" attaches itself to the hair. (Which leads me right back to Rachel ashis Reb Akiva with her long beautiful hair tangled in straw, Rebbe of Shimon bar Yochoi, author of the Zohar; bible of Kabbala.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Hoezen,

I don’t think sense is something you should be looking for in the first place. But according to the pattern of restrictions my assumption does ‘make sense’. Whenever a certain issue gets violated, another layer of rules are added. You said it – if we have mice we’ll cover the cake.

But there’s also another factor. Rebbes nowadays have a great influence on the men. If the women in a community slowly start to neglect a certain halacha, a rebbe can convince the men to add another layer of chimres. I can imagine woman starting to slip away their hair here and theretill the rebbes calls a meeting (!) a create such a raukus that the men themselves run home with a shaver…

You know, I have this fear that one day the rebbes will unite to decide that women must also shave their eyebrows. Wait and see how Williamsburg will look then….

Anniemookie - It’s spelled shpitzle but the entire world misspells it as ‘shpitzel’… Try the latter spelling on google images. You’ll get an idea.

Y.Y. said...

satmere mikva?? where is that? not in BP i guess JBF moved to willy
and btw most of satmereh women have long hair

Anonymous said...

YY, do you ever check the facts or do you just say random statments that you decided is true. You are so ignorant, you amaze me!

JewishBiFemme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JewishBiFemme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Y.Y. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Y.Y. said...

yes jbf indeed most are the arupgefureneh but not all

nuch a chosid said...

Great Post!
But I can't talk in, it's the ladies dept.
Anshuldig, vee geit men arup tzi di mener?

ch chick said...

It's been my game every time I go to Williamsburg for a simcha to see if I can find any two women wearing the same kerchief. Never! And why do they have to be flowers? Won't a solid color do the job as well?

Well tonight I was in Willie for a wedding that for Satrmar was a tad more modern than usual. There weren't more than a dozen flowered Shpitzlach. About half the crowd wore regular Sheitlach, and I'm guesstimating that 25% wore hats or headbands with hair in the back. The rest wore bangs or the fake hair with a hat and no hair in the back. Does that qualify as a Shpitzle too? Weren't those things once made of horsehair? As in horse tails? Pony tail?? Is it frummer to wear the hair roll instead of the wispy bangs? I find that bare necked look in the back really wierd, personally I little too naked and uncovered.

And BTW, a SHpitzle is an improvement over a shocking pink turban any time. Living in the vicinity of Dushinsky's Colony you get an overdose of that.

I have to say that I respect the women that wear these ridiculous, strange and ugly headdressess, for standing up for their their beliefs, but I have to say that I could NEVER do this! I am married more than 20 years and still resent having to wear a shaitel. I don't deny that it can be convenient, but my hair was my best feature, and probably still is. I can't even bring myself to cut it below shoulder length. Don't know why, but my little pony is like a security blanket.

Can someone please explain what Bey hoor is? Is it your own 000 cut hair thats grown a bit or is it baby hair thats by the hairline of a shaitel?

Shpitzle, I love reading your blog as I don't live more than 10 minutes from Williburg, and am there often, but I still feel a bit like a tourist. I love to know what goes on in the minds of people. I have seen many Amish people in Pa and Upstate and wonder about them too. It never seems to amaze me that these people seem to have more Kabolos Ol than I and many Yidden have.

Please keep on writing! I'm enjoying every word.

Jonah Kohen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jonah Kohen said...

I think I've already given my piece so I'll just try to explain a few things from what I (I think)know.

"bei hoor" literally means 'side hair' it does not mean hair on the side of the head; it is more like 'side' as in 'side' dish. So it means 'additional' hair.

Strictly speaking it refers to those women who want to make their sheitel more natural looking so they 'show' some hair at the edges or 'blend' it in. Although,it sometimes might even be 'halachically' acceptable. It is only the Zohar [Kabalah] that is very strict that even a tiny amount should not be seen.

Which brings to the issue of 'shaving'. A while back in an online discussion board forum. I saw an historical overview on this particular 'minhag' and it was shown that this costom was an entrenched minhag "all across europe" among all "ashkenazi" women for 100's of years.

Untill the mid 17 century when the Russian Gov. forbade this practice by the instigation of the modern maskilim and had the order published in all Jewish journals. The Rabbis did not fight this because it was only a 'costom' not a requirment in 'halacha'

The reason why Satmar and most other chasidim (Hungarian and Galitzianer) are keaping this custom is simple; Chasidim are 'conservative' and maybe 'stubbern'! But it has nothing to do with being 'chasidish' at all.

Chasidim who lived under the Czar don't have this costom nowadays.

For a dramatic view how this minhag affected the town of 'Kaminetz" [for those who don't know it is not in Hungary, actually it is in Lituania!] during the time when Russia was kiddnapping Jewish boys for the army.

In order to avoid the draft the entire town decided to marry off all children in one night in order to avoid this decree. [marrieds were exempt]

You could read this episode [if you understand hebrew] online.

http://benyehuda.org/kotik/ch3.html
see footnote #4 where sources decrying this 'barbaric' custom are given.

However you could read this chapter in yiddish if you trek to the Jewish library YIVO in Manhattan and ask for
זיכרונות פון יחזקאל קוטיג

A person a former chasid who became 'frai' and wrote at ripe old age over 90 his memoirs in 1911

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Ch Chick,

The biggest problem of all… the tichel must be floral. It’s one of the rules that you gotta abide to if you want to be part of the community. I could say I have about 15 scarves by now, none of which really match a print dress.

But if you are an insider you’ll realize that there are the scarves of the season, the latest, the summery ones and the ones you still have from ‘shtifur’.

It all depends at the wedding you go to. Our family weddings would amount to about 65% shpitzles or more. Since a shpitzle is not a headgear by choice, rather it is hereditary you’ll find that every family moves in the same headgear area. Some are ‘hats’, some are ‘shpitzles’ and some (not many) are ‘just sheitles’.

Wearing a shpitzle isn’t a belief. There are really so many disadvantages to the shpitzle (the hair shows everywhere, in the front and back) that nobody with a ‘belief’ would put it on as tsnuis but there is this popular concept that the harder it is, the more schar you get. So we all try to make it hard on ourselves…

Alright, maybe not intentionally. But I really don’t understand why a shpitzle is considered so tsnuis.

Jonah – Very informative. Thanks!

It's All Good Now said...

I've always thought that shpitzles were far more eyecatching than any other headgear, regardless of how dull the tichel in question is. This just goes along with my theory that it's not what you wear, but rather what it represents, that counts. Because if the item, as opposed to the message, would be numero uno, nobody should be wearing stockings in the beige family, regardless of how thick and seamed they are, because from a distance they look just like the actual foot. And nobody should be wearing anything but sheitels because that is the least eyecatching headgear.

Anonymous said...

shpitzle's are ugly...

Senorita said...

I have seen some reeeal STUNNERS sporting Shpitzles. It doesnt take away from their looks.. it just gives them a different kinda look -an innocent beauty which as someone mentioned before can be extremely luring for guys. What i dont get are those tight skirted, make up slathered, gum chewing shpitzelach that are becoming more n more common in the area that i live... so wrong. But soooooo wrong.

Y.Y. said...

lol senorita

ch chick said...

I take it "Shtifur" refers to the 9-12 month engagement period when the girl collects her "trousseau".

That's a very interesting point you make about the headgear being in the family. I always assumed that there were madreigos in Chassishkeit when it came to hair coverings. I figured the worse it looked the holier you were. Like the mens hats, the flatter the top, the more Chssidish you are meant to be and the wierder it looks.

I'm a little lacking in "hattiquette". Maybe you can educate me. Does a woman who wears a headband or hat on her sheitel have to wear it indoors too, or just on the street?

Ms. SpaceCadet said...

Sorry to pile on poor Shpitzel. You are suffering enough without my comments, but I just have to agree that head shaving is just plain sick and barbaric. If shaving should be done, why didn't the Emahos do it? It probably started as a mostly futile attempt to prevent rape. It continues because the Powers That Be (rabbis, husbands, and mothers-in-law) have decided that a bald female is not going to be unfaithful, simply out of embarassment. Thus, it is a tool of control.

I cover my hair, and its still a blow to my self-image, even after many years. Thats because hair is such a major part of your identity. Check out this link: ="http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/331/7522/951"Hair Loss , its one article of millions discussing the trauma of hair loss, regardless of the cause. I have heard that in many cancer, r"l, cases patients fear the loss of hair from chemotherapy, even more than they fear loss of a limb or breast!

Mikvah, Chatzizah, By hoors, zohar, minhag, kibud eim, are the explanations for the 000 shaving practice. The underlying goal of maximizing control of the individual is the reason.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Ch Ck – First, I love those pictures very much. They say a lot. I'm still trying to put them up...

Mostly, chassidish people’s bible is doing what your parents did, in every sense. If your father wears the flat hat your brothers will too, even if they are not half as frum as the next guy with the tall hat.
I personally, from the inside, am nothing like a shpitzle. But I would seriously impair my relationship with my parents, in laws and friends (even non-shpitzle friends) if I stepped on the concept of ‘doing what your parents do’.

BTW an engagement is 6-7 months. Not 9-12.

As for your other question, the ‘headgear’ is only worn outside, and strictly outside that is. It is practically a sin to go to the store with a turban. When I get home I can handle wearing heals for another hour, but wearing my shpitzle for another minute? No!
It’s too uncomfortable. It feels like a brace.

Madam Space Cadet – Sigh, sigh, sigh. There are some painful things we women go through, as in childbirth. But there is nothing so painful when you feel you do it for no reason whatsoever.
Those that loss it for chemo, my heart goes out for them. At least they get something productive out of it. The fact that I suffer through it and get nothing out of it hurts me the most.
I see no advantage to cutting my hair, lest as you mentioned, we are too self-conscious to cheat.

But again, as always these rules are there to help us get around nisyones, not to fight them. God gave us challenges so we can rise above them, not walk around them.
What I don’t understand is why the men don’t seem to mind. We don’t hear men complain about it, but women do complain a lot.
EXPLANATIONS are good enough to shut you up. When I’ll try to get into an argument just one of your items will render me speechless.

Which reminds me… my husband told me the other day that one of the Satmar rabbis had a not-clean wedding. The previous rebbe was very ‘tsifriden’ about it because he felt that the rebbetzin’s hair was too thick hair to have a kosher mikvah….
Just another rebbele miracle. I don’t know if it’s true…