Saturday, November 18, 2006

Vakatsia

See, yours truly and her mister will take off for a two day escape – alone! Between a neighbor, my parents, and my nagging worries, I think the kids will be fine. With all the preparation I’m doing, I can’t resist indulging in a pre-vacation vacation; a nice trip down memory lane....

  • July 2006

    After hours on the road we finally pull up with our gold minivan to the hotel entrance, the clock confirming we’re going to be an early check-in. We eye each other with anticipation when a soldier-looking guy with white gloves knocks on my window. I ask him if I can help him. Turns out, he wants to help me. He wants to take our luggage.

    “Hmm.” I wonder nervously. Before we left Williamsburg we cleared the shelves in one of the groceries, and thought we’ll smuggle the piles of shopping bags in by ourselves. Now my husband reminds me to get our money’s worth. So as the bell-hop loads our odd and sloppy belonging onto his cart, I openly gesture my mister to give a tip. Yoelish fishes something out of his wallet, but with worrying uncertainty about the proper number a tip-bill should be.

    Our entrance into the lobby is a grand one. We stand there, tasting the reality of our dream. As I relish every crystal in the chandelier, my husband embraces the waterfall. Couches, paintings and five-star staff – we’re off to a wonderful start.

    Things get even better as we slip into room 752. I take in the ugly floral bedspread, the useless minibar, the smaller-than-pictured balcony. It’s all a source of great excitement. As I start to work my way through our suitcases and worry about a fridge for my milk, my husband is already busy piling the bite-size shampoos into our bags. He pretends he’s helping out a mighty load by checking the programs available on the TV. “This is cool!” he delights.

    Well, I’m not sure. I furrow a brow and try to make out a whole picture on the screen. Yoelish is pounding at his remote. Click, ball game. Click, news reporter. Click, killer. Click, crying gal. Click, cartoon. Click, another ball game. Click, medication ad. Click, another news reporter. My husband points eagerly at the remote he’s kidnapped. “I wish we could have one of those!”

    Yeah, keep wishing.

    Dinner time comes around with loud reminder from my stomach. We’ve read all about the hotel’s fine restaurants, and find a corner table in one of them. Yoelish digs into his little boxed microwaved kosher serving with gusto, ignoring that it's half boiling and half frozen. For some reason, my appetite is selective. It averts my eyes onto a neighborhood pile of fries and little drool-drops are released from my glands. I hate Meal Mart.

    What to do next? Not a question at all. There’s a gym in this hotel, and to us Chassidic peopes it’s like a manual amusement park. I peddle the pike. He runs on the treadmill at 8. This is so fun.

    When we’re done sweating, we go over to what I call the aqua museum. It’s a glass enclosed section, the inside a hole filled with water. We press our faces onto the window and watch a fat, hairy guy sit around in the sauna. When the pool gets empty, we venture in for a half second but run out like the FBI’s most wanted water-thieves.

    At night, my sleep is flavored with a special treat of affection, as I can put my arms around my husband in the queen size bed. It’s almost like in the movies; only in the movies they don’t have to kick the blankets around so much till they are covered with a decent piece of quilt.

    Morning comes early, as we sit outside and watch the sunrise in our sleepwear. It’s been a long time since we’ve been so alive. It’s been a long time since we remembered how much we love each other.

    Well, we got to love the vacation too, so we cut all the nostalgia short. I shower and get dressed, while complaining non-stop about looking out of place in the layers of headgear. When my husband starts with the shachris and tefillin, it’s payback time! I indulge in a good car insurance ad. Ahhh.

    Our day’s activity is golf. We set out to rent the hotel’s clubs, balls and cart. If you think golf is for old rich guys only you’ve get another think coming. My husband and I love golf.
    We speed the little car up and down acres of grass. It’s like NASCAR with a romantic setting. I hold on tight. It gets as close to a private plane as it’ll ever get for me.

    It just becomes a little sticky when a snobbish group of players in shorts and sneakers seem not to like us. No problem, the local mall will appreciate us more.

    Arriving back at the hotel at night, with piles of expensive toys added to our name, we feel above the world. My guilt for leaving the kids behind is a little appeased. We inch closer, fingers even brushing a bit. I’m all smiles.

    Out of nowhere a yiddish couple emerges. This is a disaster. They see us and quickly look away. I rush up to our room, taking the stares for security, and refuse to leave again.

    “You think they know me?” I beg my husband for no as an answer.

    “I don’t know”

    “She wore an uncovered sheitle. Maybe they’re Monsey. Maybe they’re Baro Park. Right?”

    “Maybe” he gives me another unsatisfying answer.

    “Think they’ll tell my mother that you wore a cap?”

    “Who cares?” He’s totally not getting it.

    “I care!”

    It takes some coaxing to drag me out again, this time I look 100% Lee Avenue presentable. We stroll in the hall, my confidence just partially recovered.

    In the bar, I wonder who the sick inventor of dim lighting is. High stools, I’m not sure why they’re there. We order two beers from the bartender.

    “Which?”

    Oh. I have no idea. A beer is a beer, like everyone knows. I remember the big highway ads and I confidently order Budweiser. I hear my husband say Heineken. Probably they advertised that where he traveled.

    I try to nurse my beer, but it’s not working. I can’t make it go down my throat. The other end of the room is starting to interest me more.

    We both get our sticks, and load a pile of colored balls onto the billiard. I try not to make it seem so obvious that I am just doing what the other pool players are doing. Yoelish aligns his stick like an expert. He bends over. He decides to come from three o’clock. He hits.

    Amazing! I tell him he’s a pro. Never mind five of the balls that are rolling their way out of the bar. One ball actually made its way into the sack! Did I marry a genius or what!?!?

    You’d hear us make our way back to the room, with spasms of giggles. By now, you can be Jewish and see me. I don’t even care.

51 comments:

nuch a chosid said...

yipee first here!!
lol lol lol you are too funny and brilliant too, but the most funny part is..... shshsh... don;t tell any one it's the exect same by us.
need i say more?

nuch a chosid said...

btw, where've u been, could u share, i can use a few ideas myself, where's this 5 satr hotal, iv;e been looking for it,

Yoelish said...

Shpitzle,

I have to tall you,I really enjoyed that “Vakatsia”. It was the best in my life. Go on with your good work! I can’t wait to read your posts. I am humbled to have you as my wife!!!

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

What am I gonna do with you?

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Nuch!

And here I’ve been convinced that I’m spilling the biggest secret of all! Thought ya’all will have a heart attack!

Actually, the biggest secret is my identity so…. You can’t have the name of that hotel. Sorry.

epes a said...

Yoelish, u gotte be proud with such a true eishes chayil, but tell me ver hut vemen oisgemenchelt?

Shpitzle.
why, are u related to the hotel-owner?

nuch a chosid said...

why has my name cahnged, that is strange
that's me "epes" aka "nuch ah chosid"

Lakewood Venter said...

Great post once again! Loved the shtreimel on the beach pic!

your ok im ok said...

ohhhhh, ahhhh ur to funny. love ur posts!!!
yoilish with a cap?! and the horor of meeting another jewish couple at the beach, wearing my bathing suit, lol lol lol. well im glad those days are over, but i still gotta hide. well i do live a double life. its been like that since i married.
it feels nice brushing up to each other on vacation, no prying eyes. i love holding hands where my husband feels confortable enough. i love the feeling of walking the streets with his arms around my shoulders, hey this is my girl.
i usually try not to vacation in the areas most jews would go. what are we trying to get away from? pethetic in a way, huh?

your ok im ok said...

ohhhhh, ahhhh ur to funny. love ur posts!!!
yoilish with a cap?! and the horor of meeting another jewish couple at the beach, wearing my bathing suit, lol lol lol. well im glad those days are over, but i still gotta hide. well i do live a double life. its been like that since i married.
it feels nice brushing up to each other on vacation, no prying eyes. i love holding hands where my husband feels confortable enough. i love the feeling of walking the streets with his arms around my shoulders, hey this is my girl.
i usually try not to vacation in the areas most jews would go. what are we trying to get away from? pethetic in a way, huh?

your ok im ok said...

hey yoilish is that u? ur one cool dude man. next time u see me, hollar boy, yo!

cafe_28 said...

Yeah, I guess shpitzle did manage to portray what our vacation looks like. Not much of a vacation, huh?

Independant Frum Thinker said...

Great post. Quite amusing! :)

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

You sure are creative and humerous thanks.

Anonymous said...

tell us about the lovemaking LOL

Anonymous said...

Shpitzle,
Amazing post. Great talent. Keep it up. You say it like none of us can. Can you tell us how it is that a Shpitzle ended up like you. What about your Yoelish, did he know what he was getting into. Looking forward to your next post.

David_on_the_Lake said...

LOL
This was hilarious...!
Its sooooo important to get away at least once a year and just enjoy one another...
Some times late at night in the hotel I sit threr flipping from one channel to the next...from one tru crime mystery to another car chase...and me and my wife will look at each other..and wonder...what the heck people need TVs for..
Last year at a hotel..my wife stuck her foot into the water of the pool and feel in..with her clothes..(i was in my bathing suit)..and the only way to the elevators was down a long hall where a Heimishe couple on a date were lounging around...
lol..we made a mad dash..and fed them something to talk about for the next hour..

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Epes (nuch), Ey. You are starting to tread on hackele inyanim…. It’s a big debate. I claim I ‘mentchelt’ him, he says he ‘mentchelt’ me. I’m pretty sure I'm right, but then, he is too.

Lakweood, Thanks. It’s authentic art! Circa 2006.

YO IO, I’m glad you ‘got it’. Interesting that on some level or other, we all feel a little pressured by other Chassidic couples, even if it’s obvious that they’re also trespassing.
Yoelish says hi. I’ve implemented the rules again. Subjects discussed in the posts cannot comment…

Café – Maybe its not my dream vacation, two days can’t be much of a vacation anyhow, but it’s the spirit that always makes the difference. Maybe the setting doesn’t qualify for the Romantic Comedy of the year, but we sure are having a good time anyway.

Independent and Social – Mucha gracias

Anon 9:48– Are you saying I’m going too far?

Anon 10:08 – Long and probably interesting story. Just to touch the tip of the iceburg, Yoelish was a very average bochur’l. Nothing like me. I’ll write a post about that one day…

David-on-the-lake - Love to hear them's stories. I see these other couples and never dream we're all really so alike. Those chassidic 'dates', I ran into those too...
Funny, isn't it?

Yukel said...

Yoilish in a cap? I am sure that the rabbi zchiso yugein uleini would be damn proud of your Yoilish.

Y.Y. said...

whats with all this what will he she say i enjoy myself and dont give a crap what other people might say

your ok im ok said...

its a chasidish mushigas, to be obsessed what other ppl think.
shpitzel, what were u saying i didnt quite get it

Mindy said...

I take offense to the first few paragraphs. Most women dont go to a convalescent home to show 0ff a robe set, and they dont leavetheir kids for a month with a neighbor. and you know it yourself. Stop exaggerating.

Chaya said...

Lighten up, Mindy!
Shpitzel...you're the best. Keep up your hilarious and brilliant posts.

epes a said...

mindy, I can't belive that's he only thing u found to comment on this post
lighten up!! will ye...

Limey2001 said...

wow! i wish i could go on such a holiday! try taking yoilish to bournemouth

megapixel said...

I guess that even chasidim need to "let their hair down" sometimes. sad that you cant, always looking over your shoulder to see if the gossip police is watching. what a shame. i always thought that chasidim would be better off if they were allowed to have some other interests,besides for giving birth and showing off the matching turban and robe set and curling their peyos. and look at you guys, playing golf! good for you!!

Mindy said...

I have nothing to say to the rest of your post as you're the typical stereotype of the couple who escapes their local confines, throws off their shackles, and acts in every quasi-rebellious manner possible in a nebuchdige effort to taste the 'other' side of the world. So what can I say? It's your life to live...

Semgirl said...

Your blog is hysterical as always. But a bit disapointing, lol. I was waiting for the part where you get caught having drinks with someone else's husband.

Anonymous said...

I hear where you are coming from, Mindy, and you have a point too.
I come from Willy too, yet nothing about this post resonates with me. I guess we all have different hasoges. this is not my fantasy vacation at all.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Mindy – I think you’ve granted me the title of ‘comedian’ today… This is nice! I’m sharing headaches with Sasha Baron Cohen!

I put up a disclaimer on my ID for people like yourself, as I’m a giskeyt, and although I intentionally get what you’d call offensive, I don’t intend to hurt anyone personally. I’m not gonna defend the individual threads you’re whining about, as the only reason you have a problem with those is because it’s not first person. Ey, I’d ask what it is that makes it more possible if it happened to me or my neighbor?

I’m not so sure why I’m explaining myself to the Hungarian King, but my post, and overall blog, intends to be honest, which is something that’s a little rare in our society. I think you’re not the inventor of the idea of being ‘nebechdig’. Actually, I think I admitted to that first. Or is that the reason you’re having such a problem with my blog? Because it can handle being honest/nebechdig without feeling less for it?

Anon might not be able to relate, but I can relate to her. This is definitely not my dream vacation. My dream vacation, mmm, I’m seeing sunny Bermuda all over, and for four weeks time, for that matter. But I’m writing truth, not dreams, girl. How it happened, to me. And it seems, that it doesn’t happen ONLY to me.

I’ve got two possiblities. A: You’re very frum and you don’t taste what’s on the other side of the fence. That’s admirable but brings me to question what you do online. B: You’re very frum, but can handle a little of the ‘other’ side, but are never ‘nebechdig’ in the process – meaning you never come across a little naïve in the secular society. The latter is pretty much impossible, so I’m left with A, which leaves you to turn that computer off…

Alright. I think I should lighten up myself… I’m a comedian for god’s sake. Phew.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Limey01,
I can hear you in my head. You sey huhlidey….
What a beautiful place!

Megapixel,
Well, while it might seem that we are missing out, we actually have a very heightened appreciation for every little extra-hassidical activity, and therefore end up probably having just as much fun as you!

Semgirl,
I’m glad your imagination stretches a bit!

Jonah Kohen said...

Wow what a post. Keap it up and keap 'em commin..

JayKay

Ex-Blogger said...

Shpitzle,
Comedian.. Writer.. Imaginative, and wow OPEN minded : )

Cant you tell I loved it?


Anyway, someone above mentoioned, that SHE likes to go to a place where NO chasidish ppl go to,, I have news for you , thats where all the chasidim are, try checking in at a Hotel right over the Lincoln Tunnel... (Well I would have to do the Holland next , since iI gave the Lincoln away.

EX-Blogger said...

OMG I just realized what you did with that pic.

HILLARIOUS!!!!!
(should of put the Shvim Kleid, )

"We order two beers from the bartender.

“Which?”

Oh. I have no idea. A beer is a beer, like everyone knows."

It gets weirder when you watch a Chasid at a Posh wedding with a bar, and everyone orders Sex On the Beach ;)

like one Bartender answered, yeah the beach is right there ;)

Chaim Chusid said...

Ms. S. Sockschild,

Yoysh, mamesh magnificent!

Where are you going for Thanksgiving?

Chaim

Leible said...

shpitzel

your post was great, and i do connect with this type of vacation but here i am usually the frimmer not my wife my wife is a lot more erlicher then me ( she never blogged and does not do any chatroom like me) but in real life if something makes kosher sense but not frim sense she will do it and gives no damn who looks, its me that freaks i guess there is the insecurity or double standard frim,chasidish,talmid chuchem, blogger, chatter, internett surfer

ps. did they give you the beer in a glass or in the can????

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

JONAH – Sure thing! Thanks…

MOOCH – I’m flatterin’ my ego here out of proportion. When I start to exaggerate THAT, trouble really looms.
I’ve never heard of any hotels over the tunnels. Aren’t tunnels underwater in the first place? Do you go to FishTankPalace? Okay, I got to do some research before I babble. Help me out here.
Shvim Kleid!!! It’s been years since I heard THAT word.

Chaim’l – Am I detecting an invite for some ‘quixotic social foodicourse’?

LEIBELE – I find it very interesting that you also are more open minded than your wife but care more about the gossip police. Why is that?
They gave me the bear in the bottle, so we can swig like Americans.

MINDY – I just read through my comments and realized you got the better of me. I’d like to apologize for being rude.
See, I’m not sure if I know you, but I definitely know people with your attitude. You are the reason I’m wearing the shpitzle or hiding the fact we have a computer at home. I value your friendship and acceptance too much to jeopardize it with the truth. I listen to you judge people by things that are so trivial, I listen to you write people off for acts that don’t make up a fraction of what they are about, but I try not to judge you by the way you judge them. After all, you were brought up that way. After all, it’s just a small part of who you are.
When I come online and am who I am, it simply hurts to realize that our friendship ends where the truth begins. It really hurts.
Love (unconditionally avadah:),
Shpitz (a neighbor, friend, family member… who knows?)

Ex-Blogger said...

Thanks for refering to me as Moooch (from Mooochy I imagine)
I will take it as a compliment.

Now I would like to stick up for Hindy, She does not know me, but I know her, Hindy is a kind and genuine person with a Git Hartz, Does a lot of goods in many org.
Most of all, not a person that would degrade others.
Thats Miktzas shuchuo.

Semgirl said...

My hat (excuse me, snood, dont want to make a statement, chas v shalom) bows to you.

You are the first person in blogland to really set Mindy straight, and in a such an eloquent, respectful way..

Kudos to you Shpitzl...

leible said...

shprizel

the question is what makes us open minded driven, is it a quest for knowledge or is it gossip and inquisitve natures hidden in our self that drive us to being atuned to our surrondings

Ex-Blogger said...

Sem, I didnt know you have hate in yourself?

yingerman said...

Hey that was you shpitzel?
Are you almost 5 and 1/2 feet tall and wearing a light colored cap (almost) covering dark hair and your hubby looks in his late 20's dirty blond brownish beard bit of a belly?
I want you to know that spousy, will never go back there again because of you. We thought we were alone! We hid in our room for the duration of our 4th Honeymoon, thanx to you!

your ok im ok said...

lo lol oh dayum lol that was me yinger, shoot lol kidding

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

EX, obviously the subject in my comment was not M/Hindy, it was the entire issue of conditional acceptance in our circles. It seems very clear that Mindy is a wonderful person, at least from her intentions.

SEM, Filler’ me in with the details. Why would you be a ‘sem’ girl with a snood? Is that how it works in your circles, you go to school after you’re wed? Lack of fact’s here.
Also, I think Ex gave you a very nice compliment.

LBREIL’L, I’m not sure. I think being open-minded is more a type of smart; it’s a person’s ability to see things in the ‘big picture’ format. But having social pressure is a complete separate character feature. I guess there is no connection between the two. The latter is not such a good thing. Believe me.

YUNGERMAN – I’m not sure about the height, but coming to think about it, I do need to put my fella on a diet! I see where you took the belly from…
Well, don’t go ‘round blamin’ me! I am not going back to that hotel either, and that’s because of YOU…

YOIO – God, I’m starting to realize that just meeting ONE couple on vacation is a blessing. Seems ya’all were there.

Semgirl said...

SS...guess you are new here.. If you check the archives on my blog, you'll see its more of a nostalgic 'once a SemGirl, always a SemGirl', kind of thing.

Although, there is Lakewood Night Sem. for married women..

Anonymous said...

How was the sex on this wonderful Vakatsia?

It's All Good Now said...

Shpitzle, I don't know about you but I very often find myself feeling discontent with my lifestyle when I return from vacation. Why? Because when I'm on vacation, I behave in a way that is true to myself, without caring about public opinion. And believe me, I don't shirk any Yiddishkeit responsibility. However, when I come back and I resume my regularly scheduled life, that's when the differences are glaringly obvious and I resent it very much. No, I'm not about to give up my vacations. Yes, I do try to use my malcontent as an impetus to improve my "I don't care about the street, as long as I think Hashem is happy with me" attitude. It's a work in progress, but it's progressively working. Keep on posting.

Mindy said...

Shptzel, your last comment went completely over my (bald) head. I'm scratching my (same bald) head tryng to figger out just eggzactly waht you were trying to say. Where am I seen judging people? and what truth are you referriing to?

I'm still having a hard time believng you really wear a shptzel. You grew up n Satmr, in Willy, wear a shpitzel and have this good an English? Nah

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Mindle,

Which last comment? The one directed to you, or the talks with Ex?
Let's not go too far with the head-scratching. The scalp's suffered enough, y'know. Razor exposed 'n all.

I do wear a shpitzle. Who didn't ask me that yet? I find it interesting that people have such a hard time putting a ticheliner and plastic hair onto an open mind.
It's just a piece of clothing, is all.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

It’s all good now – I find it admirable that in your whole picture you don’t mention anger following the guilt. When I feel guilty about something that my gut tells me is 100% okay, and I realize that the guilt is only there because the community doesn’t find it acceptable; I’m subject to some anger silently eating inside me. Well, I like what you wrote on AA's blog. We are too obsessed with the shul/community etc.

It's All Good Now said...

Shpitzle, that's because I don't feel any guilt whatsoever. Guilt is a feeling I very rarely experience in my life because I am way too selfish. I am also not angered because it is a colossal waste of my precious time. The older I become, the easier it is for me to be true to myself and I'm thankful for the self-confidence Hashem imbued me with.